Navy, The Drones: D-

First, I'm of the opinion that only previews for upcoming films should be shown in theaters prior to a movie. But since that idea has clearly gone the way of the dinosaur, I'm now of the opinion that only really entertaining, cinematic ads should be shown. If you show me something that I normally see on television, it makes me hate your brand. That being said, this Navy commercial was not anything I've seen before--thankfully. Hence, I did not give it an F like I wanted to.



Is it supposed to be funny? A mock 70's commercial detailing the function of Navy weapons? Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but there's nothing really funny about being in the Navy (aside from those little sailor hats). Are you trying to trick people into thinking the Navy is a big joke? That you play with fun toys? Or is the message these things fight for you, so you're less likely to die... What's next, an Army recruiting ad featuring a musical number set in Guantanamo?

And, "Filmed entirely on location whereever freedom is being protected" ?

Someone should lose their job for this.

VW, Sign Then Drive: A-

The idea for this spot is simple: Promotions for "sign AND drive" events are inherently dangerous. You shouldn't be signing anything while driving a car (though I'd wager we've all done far worse). Instead, you should sign THEN drive.

Volkswagen has a history of doing great commercials based on simple truths. And even though they've changed agencies, the feel of many of their spots remains true to the brand. This one is no different. The fact that I've worked on "sign and drive" ads and never thought of this makes it even more impressive to me. That's one great thing about advertising; we can all look at the same problem over and over again and keep finding different solutions that work.

Click here to watch it.

And then watch what happens when a dealership tries to do its own advertising:



Is there any way on God's green earth that this would make people want to buy a VW more than the original spot? Instead, I want to drive one into a wall at full speed; the feeling of bashing my skull apart on shatter-proof glass seems increasingly appealing. Why would you ever put that on youtube?

Merry Christmas.

Fatheads, Brian Urlacher: A

I like absolutely everything about this commercial. The old Walt Disney-looking narrator, the presumption that a grown man would actually put a giant sticker on the wall in his office, a violent fire breathing bear, and the writing in the final segment; it's like sweet poetry.

"...plucked from the playing field, like ripened fruit that can smack you in your earhole..."

It almost makes me forget that this is a totally worthless product made for retards.

#6 Creativity's Most Viewed--Lifesavers, Muffin Top: Already reviewed.

Creativity certainly doesn't seem to be scouring the archives for these. Here's the review.

D&G, Time: B-

Yes, I am reviewing a Dolce and Gabbana ad.



First, when that robot person at the beginning says "dance music for people who want tomorrow's music today," I pay attention, because I think maybe I want that. But then the alarm music begins, which makes me realize I don't want that.

It must be interesting to work on an account like this. Sitting around, eating mushrooms, trying to think of ways to make people want expensive clothing. Can you imagine going to a client with this as your pitch: So these two people are walking through the city in a hurry...we lead you to believe they're going to meet one another and there's a real urgency. But then at the last second...we reveal they're each meeting themselves! And then they make out with themselves. Girl on girl, guy on guy. Then we just put up your logo and the word "time."

Why? Because D&G is for people who love themselves. That might actually make sense. When I started writing this, I was going to give this spot a D. Then I realized I'm not the target audience and that there might actually be some logic to it. I also noticed that in the background of the spot, other people are making out with themselves. I guess that makes it somehow better.

Hanes, Michael and Cuba: D

Really? This is supposed to make me want Hanes? There are two major things wrong with this commercial. First, why would Michael Jordan send anyone a basket of boxers? If I was Jordan and I read this script, I would immediately fire my agent for even bringing it to the table. He doesn't need that money, he's Jordan. Which leads me to my next, more important point: you're Hanes, you have Michael Jordan endorsing your product and THIS is the best you can do? With perhaps the world's most famous, powerful athlete? With the man every man would give his left nut to be or have been? Shame on you Hanes, shame on you.

Mac, Holiday Ad: B-

(image taken from Gary's Blog)

If five other companies weren't already running ripoffs of this Rudolph treatment, this would probably seem pretty clever. But I've seen at least two more--one is for insurance, I think, the other is for some terrible cell phone company. So Mac isn't exactly breaking new creative ground with this. Other than that, the writing and concept for this one fall short of their other efforts in this campaign (which I generally like). Usually the joke is based on some sort of truth; this is just a childish jab at PCs.



The only two good parts are the beginning when Santa sounds the harmonica and the "he see's you when your in sleep mode" line. If I didn't love Christmas so much, this would be more in the C or C+ range.

#7 Creativity's Most Viewed--Halo 3, Combat: B-

Creativity has a real hard-on for Halo 3. I'm surprised this was #7 on their list of most viewed, considering I had never seen nor heard of it. The video I found on YouTube only had around 6,500 views, compared to the 3-4 million views "Believe" has. The short was created by Neill Blomkamp, the director who started making the actual Halo movie (which was slated for release in 2009, but is now apparently dead in the water).

He accomlished his goal of making it "feel like the most brutal, real version of science fiction in a war environment that you've seen in a while." The problem is, it doesn't make me want to play the game; it makes me want to see the movie. So the director succeeded in making an ad for his derailed movie, but failed in making an ad for the game. The real-life action and cgi aliens are so good they make the game seem like crap.

Here's a link to the interview about the commercial and movie.

Elizabeth Arden, Daytona 500 Cologne: F

When I saw this commercial--and I'm not even going to bother explaining what it is--I thought at first that maybe it was a joke. That perhaps the Daytona 500, in trying to appeal to a slightly more sophisticated audience, had created a satirical ad, juxtaposing race car driving and a fragrance to draw attention to itself. So to check, I Googled it. Low and behold, it is an actual cologne. And not just a cologne, it's after shave and shower gel.



Hmmmm, that makes sense. Let's take something known for it's traditional good-smellingness and brand some male hygiene products. Yes, the Daytona 500, home of such wonderful aromas as gasoline, burning rubber, sweaty fat redneck, half empty Natty Light cans stuffed with cigarette butts, and urine. That is definitely a smell you'd want to replicate and place on your face and body.

If the commercial had indeed been for the Daytona 500, I probably would have given it a B+ for being self-deprecating. But it's not. F. F for being a retarded product.

#8 Creativity's Most Viewed--Nike, Leave Nothing: A-

This spot is pretty great. Some of the transitions bother me a little, but the idea of fluidly following these guys as they run through 16 weeks of a grueling season is nice. The music from Last of the Mohicans isn't what you'd expect and really enhances the feel of the commercial. I will say that at first, I hated "Leave Nothing" as a tag. Don't you want to leave it all on the field? As in "Leave Everything"? But now I've seen it enough I guess my brain has found some sort of backwards logic. If you "Leave Nothing", that means you've given everything you had?

I worked on the accompanying Nike website for this, so I was there when they were filming. To give you an idea of the difference between internet and tv resources, our set had a 10' x 10' green screen (assembled by us and our one grip) in the middle of a high school football field. The commercial was filmed at the Rose Bowl, over the course of 2-3 days, with 50' high, 80 yard long greenscreens. An immensely expensive spot directed by Michael Mann, hundreds of people on set and tons of extras.

Here's about the only decent thing we could put together from our digital shoot:



If I had to grade the work we did for this campaign, I'd give it a D+ (aside from some great design work). That's about all I'm going to say about that, unless you talk to me after six beers, in which case I'll be much more vocal on the subject.

The good news, is I got to meet all those guys, including Megatron.

Burger King, Whopper Freakout: D+

What would happen if Burger King discontinued the Whopper?

That's the question posed in this campaign for Burger King. To find out, they stopped selling Whoppers at one BK for one day. The results? Not hilarious. Not outrageous. In fact, there was barely any freaking out. I think what they found for most of the day was that when you tell America the Whopper is discontinued, the reaction is, "oh, well, I guess I'll have two of that similar smaller shitty burger."

Then, as if a flawed concept wasn't enough, they try and turn it into some sort of online viral campaign by asking consumers to go to whopperfreakout.com in order to see people freaking out. This teaser ran all weekend and, in order to write this review, I thought I'd check it out.



So the teaser got me to the site, where I was even more disappointed. The "freakouts" are marginally funny, at best. And it's seriously a stretch to label any of the reactions a "freakout." But I guess "Whopper Surprised and Mildly Annoyed" didn't have the same kind of ring to it. To save you the time and effort required to visit the shit site (where there is only this lame video) I've posted it here. You're welcome.



I'm guessing the producers of this elaborate hoax weren't exactly thrilled with the mundane responses of real people. It was so unsuccessful, they decided to book a second day with an even less intriguing premise. What happens if people order the Whopper but get something else? Huh? I can tell you what'll happen, they'll be annoyed that they didn't get what they ordered. Not because the Whopper is great, but because people get pissed when some bone-headed register jockey fucks up their order. If they really wanted to surprise people, they should have put a dead bird in their bags.

Now, if the Big Mac went away, I think you'd see some serious freaking out.

Sony Bravia, Bunnies & Balls: A+

What is HDTV good for? Watching amazing, colorful film in high definition. So Sony created a series of spectacularly visually captivating ads to illustrate this point. Paired with perfect music, done in old-fashion, pain-staking stop motion, the clay rabbit commercial is about as flawless as an ad can get. It shows you what's possibly when imagination meets technology, and if you have a Sony Bravia television, it shows it to you more vividly and clearly than anything else.

Equally as brilliant was the "balls" spot, for which they shut down a street in San Francisco and dumped/shot hundreds of thousands of bouncy balls down the road, filmed in ultra-slow motion.



Viewing these commercials on YouTube is a perfect illustration of the concept. At a low resolution, it's okay. High res, it's awesome. You can see a cleaner version of the commercial, as well as documentaries on the making of, on the Sony Europe website.

#9 Creativity's Most Viewed--Halo 3, Believe: A+

Already reviewed this one here. I love it, my associate believes it was stolen.

Walk Hard, Block Hard: F

In a bit of "non-traditional" advertising, to introduce tonight's Monday Night Football game, they featured John C. Reilly singing a spoof of the song from his spoof movie. In the movie, the song is apparently "Walk Hard." So in the spoof they made it "Block Hard." Get it? Football? Block? Wokka wokka wokka.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but the character in question is named Cox...so he's talking about blocking Cox, Cox blocking. Cock blocking. Again, very clever of them to slip that by whoever was in charge. The problem is, the song sucks. And since it's going to be the lead song in the movie, that means I'd have to listen to it a lot. So instead of enticing me to go see the movie, this move basically re-enforced my opinion that the movie is going to be terrible.

Here's the actual trailer:



Don't go see it.

Sony Bravia, Peyton: D

It's not on youtube, since it sucks. And you might not even know which one I'm talking about, since it's just one commercial awash in a sea of Peyton Manning commercials. To sum it up, Peyton walks to all of the places where Sony HD technology is used, from the game to your house and the dialogue is basically "they film the game in HD, they edit the game in HD...etc...why wouldn't you watch the game in HD?"


It makes you ask yourself, can Peyton Manning set the record for most commercials in one year? In reality, you'd think advertisers would notice that the market is oversaturated with Manning spots. The only thing you remember after watching one of those now is that you've just seen about your millionth Peyton Manning ad. At first he was charming and kind of funny, now he's getting to be greedy and annoying.

So now, if you're going to use Peyton, you need to really come with something strong; something that sets your Peyton ad apart from the other Peyton ads. Like having him dressed as a school girl, eating a lolli, riding in a hot air balloon. This ad doesn't do that. I'm sure on paper it was good and the logic is there. All these people use Sony, you should watch their programs on Sony Bravia HDTV. The problem is, the ad is boring. In fact, the only reason I even noticed it was because I thought, "another Peyton Manning ad? Please shoot me. No, not me, him."

The only memorable part of this commercial is when Peyton walks into the living room, where those guys are watching television; when he first appears, he seems to be about ten feet tall, like they built the set too small so he would appear giant. Then when he reaches the couch, he's a normal size again. Did someone not scout that set? Was that brief bit of footage borrowed from another commercial in which Petyon Manning was cast as a giant? I bet that commercial would have been good.

For the record, I own a Sony Bravia television and they've done some awesome ads (ratings to come).

Skittles, Baby Bird: B

"Quack, quack."

Skittles, Leak: B-

I can't explain why I don't love this one. A grown man takes a little man out of a bag and hangs him from the ceiling to eat Skittles. The concept is good, but the only truly funny part is the dialogue at the end...

OWNER: That's how you fix it?
REPAIRMAN: That's how we fix it. That's it. (everyone laughs)

Skittles, Singing Rabbit: B+

Skittles sometimes strays from the :30 and :60 format and releases :45 second cuts of their commercials. In this case, it's perfect. 45 seconds of that strange and terrible singing is enough to let you know why he thought the trade was a mistake. The scene where he's sitting in his room in the dark, listening, makes the spot. But then they show a close up of the rabbit. Dumb. I hate animatronic talking animals (unless they're way over the top fake). And the ending is pretty poor. It would have been better if he had turned quietly away and started walking home with the singing rabbit, accepting his terrible fate. Or if he had thrown the rabbit in a dumpster.

Skittles, Beard: B+

The part when he feeds her the Skittle with his beard makes this one an instant winner. So gentle. So tender. The fact that it ranks slightly high on the creepy scale keeps it from being in the A range.

"Experience. Hahahaha oh, funny."

Skittles, Midas Touch: A

"I met a man on the bus today, I shook his hand. He'll never see his family again. I guess that's pretty awesome."

When he goes to answer the phone, then bangs on his desk...classic.

Skittles, Sheep Boy: A

"You two sheep boys, stop that that jibber-jabbin."

This one makes me laugh, without making me want to vomit.

#10 Creativity's Most Viewed--Skittles, Stable: D+

Creativity Magazine is rolling out their ten most viewed ads of 2007. We'll be rating each as it comes out. Number 10 on the list was the Skittles "Stable" spot:



Generally, I love Skittles advertising. They some up with some of the strangest shit you'll ever see and somehow make it relevant to candy. But this one, though funny, is just too strange. Skittles are a food. You put them in your mouth, so in my opinion, the advertising should not make you feel sick to your stomach. While the acting is good and the spot is funny overall, that machine suckling away at that old man's bare chest is terrible. I have the same reaction to that as to someone sticking their finger in my belly button...nausea. Not what you want people to feel when they think about your food.

Toyota, World Of Warcraft: B+

First, congrats to Toyota for doing anything involving World of Warcraft. I don't know much about it, except that it is some sort of online fantasy game for nerds. By recognizing that the world is filled with nerds--and that nerds also need trucks--Toyota taps into a previously untargeted market. This ad manages to speak directly to the nerds, and also subtly mock them. Subtle mocking...the best kind.

The concept was likely born from the infamous Leroy Jenkins video that was all the rage about four years ago. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.



Leeeeeeeroy Jeeeeenkins! Better.

Apple, iPod Nano: B+

This is nothing more than a hand reaching in and removing little iPods, while a video plays on the screen. Though very simple, it makes me pay attention to the television, makes me want an iPod Nano and, strangely enough, it makes me sing. I don’t know what that song is (actually, I do now, because I just looked it up—1234, by Fiest), but I love it. It gets inside my head and I walk around my apartment, belting out my own terrible version of it; a version with no discernable words in the lyrics, just sounds that could be words if they had to. An effective, enjoyable commercial, even if it’s not very original or creative--and if you ever heard me sing, you would avoid doing anything that might encourage a repeat performance.

Cingular, Dropped Call: A

The whole series of these is pretty good. The premise, that shoddy cellular service can lead to awkward conversations rings very true. I can't tell you how many times I either think I'm talking to dead air and stop to make sure someone is there, or continue talking for a few minutes after a call has been dropped. It's one of the reasons I've developed a serious aversion to talking on the phone.

The situations they've come up with are generally pretty funny and the writing and acting feels very natural. I will say that it's getting to the point where you can tell they're reaching for the next one. They should probably wrap this campaign up soon. But it's hard for a client to walk away from something that has been successful (see Mastercard priceless campaign).



Butcher: A+
Great casting. I love "I mean look at us, we probably weight the..."



Raw Meat: B+



Two Day Rule: A



Earl Got Your Tongue: B-



Flowers: B



Manager: B+
"There's a new sheriff in town."



Roger Clemens: B-
Feels a little forced.

And the original, with "Jimmy crack corn" is probably a B+.

Beyonce and Direct TV HD: A+

Oh. My. God. (Jaw hanging wide-open)

Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Jim Mora Coors Light: A

Sports fans love coach rants. Coors taps into that fact, hoping you tap into the Rockies, and it works. This is one of the best of the series, as it uses perhaps the all-time greatest coach rant. Also, note the subtle placement of the Coors Light logo, the first guy's mention of Coors Light, and quick jingle at the end.

Grade: A

Dwyane Wade Converse: D

This commercial is supposed to be soooooooooo introspective and make you think, "Man, that shit is deep, son!".

But it makes me feel like I'm watching something I should not be privy to. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe what D-Wade does behind closed doors in an NBA arena should remain between himself and the 20,000+ seats.

Also, this is a good ad for... Dwyane Wade. But what product is this for, again? Is it for an indie flick? A documentary? D-Wade's audition for Michael Buffer's job?

Do The Good Day: F-

I first saw a print ad for this while riding the subway. The ad literally had instructions:

1. push to the left, push to the right
2. roll forward, roll back
3. clap your hands

Not only is that a terrible dance, but there's no way you can believe their claim that "everybody's doing it." I would venture to say that no one is doing it. And no one will ever do it.

Then later--on Thanksgiving, of all days--I saw the abomination of a television commerical. Not only does it ensure that I will never, ever, in my life, do "the good day" or watch Good Day New York, but it also makes me want to gouge my eyes out and slam q-tips, which I do so love, deep into my ears.



What kind jackass sits back, pays for this production, sees the finished product and thinks to himself, you know what? We've done an excellent job here. I think this is going to boost our ratings. Even worse...it probably wasn't just one person. There was probably a team of go-getters sitting around a table giving one another handjobs in celebration of their brilliant creation. The only hope for this campaign is that I will one day wind up sipping whiskey next to a guy who laughs and says, "you'll never believe the absolute horseshit campaign I sold Good Day New York..." because it must be a joke.

If you didn't know this was going to get an F before, know it now.

F fucking F F F. F-.

Coors Original, Changing: D

It seems Chevy has inspired other advertisers with their "this is our country" mantra. The newest addition to the annoying repetitive, underhandedly racist song and dance troop: Coors Original. In their latest commercial, they have the whitest, ruggedest, "most American" men doing American things while this song plays:

"Changing, yeah, everything's changing.
But I'm through with all this changing.
I like the way I'm living.
And I got my reasons why,
I'm not going to go changing.
I'm not gonna go changing."


If you keep score in the commercial, this is what we're looking at:

White men with five o'clock shadows: 8
Dogs: 2
Asians: 0
Latinos: 0
Black people: 0

Most of me thinks this effort deserves an F. But Coors Original knows its audience and they shoot right for it. I guess you have to respect their straight-forwardness. The point of advertising, after all, is to sell more product, not make friends with all races. In addition, that terrible song somehow burns itself into my brain. I might not go changing either.

Stay tuned for the "this is our country" spectacular.

Johnson Automotive and the Badger - A+

Regional car dealership Johnson Automotive struck gold with this campaign. The hilarious badger, created by The Martin Agency -- the same people who brought you the Geico cavemen and the gecko -- perfectly embodies everything unpleasant about the car-buying experience. The replay value of the spots guarantee brand-recognition. A great series... there are about 10 total, all available on youtube.

Gears Of War - A+

The original. The Halo 3 ad, while good in it's own right, is a clear rip-off of this classic. Not only did I want to buy Gears Of War, when I haven't ever purchased a war/army game, but I downloaded the song played in the background ("Mad World" by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules), and I bought the movie, Donnie Darko -- the soundtrack of which contains that song.

That's an advertising bonanza.

Halo 3: A+

Check out the review here:

I'm An Idea Man

It's an older ad, but I love it. Awesome.

Lifesavers, Muffin Top: B+

"Do you know what a muffin top means?"

Visually defining the term "muffin top" without having to spell out why it's funny is the brilliant part of this spot. We've all seen them. Sometimes they're unattractive; but there's something strangely compelling about a girl squeezing into jeans that don't quite fit. That soft little roll squishing out from the tight suffocating denim. I want to pinch it, bite it, chew on it.

Overall, I don't know that it makes me want Lifesavers, and I barely even buy "it's good to be sweet." But muffin tops are great.

And the guy is tying fly lures? Huh.