Dentyne Ice -- Frog Ad: F

I hate this ad more and more every time I see it. I can't explain exactly why I hate it, but I do. A lot. I mostly hate the CGI prince and princess. And the fact that food and candy marketing experts think that this is the kind of worthless trash that will make me buy their product. Unfortunately, this is the exact kind of gum I chew. That fact makes me feel slightly ashamed. F.

The Hawk:
I like it and I chew it. The spot does a good job of showing the product, it has enjoyable music and excellent visuals (unless you hate the CGI prince, I guess!) that fit the overall "Ice" feel. B-.

American Idol -- Ben Roethlisberger

The Mouth:
Does anyone even remember that the Steelers won the Super Bowl? I hate American Idol, and therefore hate any commercial for it. The only way this would have been good is if they had Ben pouring tequila down the throats of hot girls in the audience. F.

The Hawk:
JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! "I loved that song, until you ruined it." "Who sings this? Let's keep it that way." I'm not even sure what the point of this was. American Idol has plenty of viewers, so did they really need to get this elaborate? A simple reminder would have probably sufficed. Hell, maybe they were just having a little fun. Still stupid. D-.

GMC -- Pushing Rock

The Mouth:
Do we really have to review this one? It's forty seconds of talking while we watch a simple black and white cartoon that barely moves. I know that as a writer, I should appreciate a spot like this. Quiet, with a well-written VO; but during the Super Bowl, all it gets is a big, fat yawn. F.

The Hawk:
Big, fat yawn is right. If more than 2% of viewers managed to sit through the beginning snooze fest, then I'd be amazed. The most egregious offense to me, is that it has the look, tone and feel of a financial/investment ad, and I HATE financial investment ads. F.

Parents as Anti-Drug -- Drug Dealer -- F

Holy smokes, what a colossal blunder this was. What is the logic behind having a drug dealer, who is kind of likable, tell you his business sucks? Before you jump on me, I get it, the message is to parents, that they should watch their medicine cabinets. But you know who else was watching the game? Kids. Kids who heard, "if you want to get high for free, quit paying your dope dealer, all you need are some of your parents' pills." I mean, maybe we should also have also told parents, "you should especially not leave OxyContin, Valium, Zanax, Adderall, and Vicodin lying around, because when you take those, you can get a really nice buzz." Why not pass out lists of prescription drugs at schools? That'd be about as effective. Whatever happened to showing a kid with brain damage from drug abuse or a mom crying at a kid's funeral? Stop trying to be so clever. A down on his luck drug dealer is not going to win the war on drugs, idiots. F.

The Hawk:
Ha, I liked it, of course. At least the first time. But I didn't pay full attention -- I thought it was just saying, "don't blame the drug dealer for your kids doing drugs, blame yourself". Seems like that would have been a good message. Still, maybe this will still open the eyes of some parents? But the Mouth may be right, and it may open the eyes of just as many kids. Hmm... I'm not a parent, nor have I done drugs, so I'm not even close to the target demographic here, so it's too close to call. I'm going to take the cop out and go with C.

SalesGenie.com -- Cartoons

The Mouth:
Do I even have to say this is bad? Did anyone pay attention to it, or did we all just tune it out thinking it was another eSurance.com commercial (which, by the way my grandma loves). What a monumental waste of $3,000,000. Do you know how much late night airtime you could have pulled for that kind of scratch? And that's when people who actually do sales are watching TV, thinking oh shit, I'm not going to make my quota, how can I get more sales? During the Super Bowl, the last thing some schmo with a lousy sales job wants to think about is how he's underperforming. No offense to all my friends with lousy sales jobs. F.



And while we're at it, let's throw in some stupid pandas with offensive Asian accents. F. Although I will say, there's about to be a boon in panda-centric advertising. Once Kung Fu Panda drops, it's going to be a panda bonanza.

The Hawk:
I don't think these are that bad. They are simple ads that -- get this -- advertise the product! Upon second watch I agree about the offensive accents, used in both, but I also agree that I am a sucker for pandas. C.

Audi -- Godfather Remake -- HORRIBLE

What? Horrible. Stupid. A bad ad is one thing... a bad ad that is featured as the second ad shown during the Super Bowl, is a whole 'nother level of terrible. The fact that they fail horribly in re-making a scene from an all-time classic movie, Godfather, just makes it all the more awful. A car hood spilling oil in the bed? Huh? On the bright side, the car itself looks awesome, and good or bad, this gets the Audi R8 name out there. F.

The Mouth:

Well, if you look at the premise, that Audi is putting old luxury on notice, it actually isn't a bad spot. That's what the horse head in the bed was, notice. Granted, it's a little hokey and I don't know if it's Super Bowl worthy, but it gets your attention and it makes sense with the messaging. And that new Audi looks HOT. B-.

The Hawk:

This is worthy of a rebuttal. In the The Godfather, man who gets a horse head in this bed is the one being put on notice. So if this spot is analogous, that implies the old guy in the bed IS old luxury. But in actuality, he's just a man, and old luxury is actually chopped up and killed. It doesn't even make sense. This was butchered, pun intended, at every level.

More from Mouth:
You're getting very literal now, my PC-based friend. Sure, you're right that the man who gets the horse head was being put on notice. But don't you think other horses associated with that horse--his friends and family--were also put on notice? I mean, they cut off that horse's head. So technically, I think you could say that other similar horses were also put on notice, which would make the metaphor start to work. It could also be argued that the old man represents old luxury and the car, in this instance, takes the role of the horse--a beloved form of transportation.

Optimum Triple Play, Pirate Rap: F and A

Whoa. When I first saw this, I wrote down "Optimum Online Rap, FFFFFF." I was shocked and amazed and repulsed and maybe offended, all at the same time. But now it's approaching "so bad it's good" status. I'm starting to like the rap and the complete and absolute absurdity of the commercial. A band of cable loving pirates? Mermaids singing the phone number? And a special guest appearance by a rapping sea monster!? I hear they originally wanted Fat Joe to star in it, but he wouldn't agree to ride that inflatable banana (or ski rocket, whatever you call it).

One of the best parts of this YouTube video is that you can see who's responsible for this masterpiece. Globalworks. Let me guess, they specialize in marketing to minorities? You can also see the brilliant title of the spot: Reggaeton Beach English Rotoscoped Towels. Exactly what I would have called it. And I think this comment left by a user sums it up perfectly, "My 9 month old daughter LOVES this commercial...her world stops when it comes on..." As does mine.

The savings are for real, the triple play is the deal.

I have to give this an F and an A.

The Hawk:
This is pretty much genius. A Reggaeton beat with some catchy lyrics, along with hot mermaids singing a phone number commercial? This is better than a lot of radio. I'm pretty sure if I saw this a lot it would get beaten into my head. An ad that conveys information about the product! Success. B+.

Jitterbug, Cell Phone for Seniors

First, I'm amazed I could find this on YouTube. Who the hell would want to watch this of their own free will? I bet I've unconsciously seen this ad about 50 times, but until my roommate pointed it out during Law & Order last night, I've never been aware that I'm watching it. Something about the music, the graphics, the whole treatment, tells my brain, "you can think about something else now, this doesn't concern you." This revolutionary phone, designed especially for old folks, promises: "Bigger buttons, bigger numbers." And, "You don't need a 400-page manual to use it." How simple is Jitterbug? One version of the phone comes with only three options:


It would be hard for even the most technology-ignorant old person to be confused by that. I am a bit concerned though, as at the end it offers a free car phone charger with purchase. If you need a phone with only three options because you can't figure out a normal cell phone, you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. They're slightly more complicated and entirely more dangerous than a mobile phone.

A third version of the phone has an ASSIST button, which when pressed slowly administers lethal medication to the user, allowing them to peacefully slip away during conversation. If you happen to accidentally press the button, you're in luck, you can use your Jitterbug to call 911 or the operator for help. Or you can call home to say goodbye.

It's difficult to grade this, as I think it's probably doing it's job: turning off the brains of young consumers and singing its way into the hearts of our elderly. But because I've noticed it and I'll now be tortured by it during my many hours watching Law & Order, and because I think advertising takes advantages of the impressionable and feeble minds of our elders, F.

The Hawk:
I'm neither here nor there on this one. It's an informational ad the describes the product well and I do like that "Jitterbug" jingle in the background. All-in-all it just exists, so it gets a C. Average.

Jeep Liberty -- Rock Me Gently

This makes me absolutely cringe in terror. It's, like, sooooooooooooooo, totally, annoying. Dude. And you know what? I've seen this ad approximately 3.78 billion times, and guess what? I had NO clue what car it was advertising. Way to go Jeep. This is the type of ad that makes swear to NEVER buy from a company. In fact, anyone have Dr. Kevorkian's number? I need his "assistance"... F.

The Mouth:

My first reaction to seeing this ad was disgust. What a waste of advertising dollars from Jeep, a company with a product that has demanded some of the industry's best work. But for some reason, repeated viewing has softened me. Not to say that I like it, because I don't, at all. I have simply ceased thinking of this as a commercial and ceased noticing there's a car--or Jeep--in the ad. I simply hum along with the song, which is also pretty awful. I can't help it if my brain is easily tricked into liking things it sees over and over again.

This is one that slipped through the cracks at Jeep. Jeeps are meant to run animals over. I think a commercial featuring all of the animals in the commercial being run over would certainly be a step in the right direction.

D.

Alltel Wireless, Terrible Campaign: F

I couldn't find the ad I just saw, but to sum it up: terrible. Not only do I hate each commercial in this campaign, but until I decided to review this should-have-been-aborted effort, I had no idea which company it was for. I knew it was mocking the other carriers, but since I had no idea who was doing the mocking, what's the point? Here's one I hate as much as any of the others:



I understand the concept; personify the other mobile phone companies as inept nerds, while casting yourself as the cool, hip, savior of the common person. The problem is, we don't know who you are. You spend half of your commercials talking about and "showing" your competitors, who, in my mind, are more evil, theiving bastards than bungling losers. And in my mind, Alltel doesn't even exist as an option. This campaign doesn't really help to change that. In my mind.

Ford Hybrid -- Jerk Dad

Hybrid SUV Commercial
Uploaded by maxsilvestri

I have a hard time watching this ad without getting completely furious. The dad is a COMPLETE jerk. Does he actually SEE or TALK to his family? In a normal family, if a new car is purchased, it's going to be news. "Hey guys, I bought a car today." "Oh yeah, what kind?" "One of those new Ford Hybrid SUV's". Why don't you act a little more sarcastic towards your daughter, jerk?

And also, is the girl so unobservant that she's never seen the big "Hybrid" label on the car?

On top of all that, as many times as I had seen this, I had no idea what type of car it was advertising.

F.

Elizabeth Arden, Daytona 500 Cologne: F

When I saw this commercial--and I'm not even going to bother explaining what it is--I thought at first that maybe it was a joke. That perhaps the Daytona 500, in trying to appeal to a slightly more sophisticated audience, had created a satirical ad, juxtaposing race car driving and a fragrance to draw attention to itself. So to check, I Googled it. Low and behold, it is an actual cologne. And not just a cologne, it's after shave and shower gel.



Hmmmm, that makes sense. Let's take something known for it's traditional good-smellingness and brand some male hygiene products. Yes, the Daytona 500, home of such wonderful aromas as gasoline, burning rubber, sweaty fat redneck, half empty Natty Light cans stuffed with cigarette butts, and urine. That is definitely a smell you'd want to replicate and place on your face and body.

If the commercial had indeed been for the Daytona 500, I probably would have given it a B+ for being self-deprecating. But it's not. F. F for being a retarded product.

Walk Hard, Block Hard: F

In a bit of "non-traditional" advertising, to introduce tonight's Monday Night Football game, they featured John C. Reilly singing a spoof of the song from his spoof movie. In the movie, the song is apparently "Walk Hard." So in the spoof they made it "Block Hard." Get it? Football? Block? Wokka wokka wokka.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but the character in question is named Cox...so he's talking about blocking Cox, Cox blocking. Cock blocking. Again, very clever of them to slip that by whoever was in charge. The problem is, the song sucks. And since it's going to be the lead song in the movie, that means I'd have to listen to it a lot. So instead of enticing me to go see the movie, this move basically re-enforced my opinion that the movie is going to be terrible.

Here's the actual trailer:



Don't go see it.