American Idol -- Ben Roethlisberger

The Mouth:
Does anyone even remember that the Steelers won the Super Bowl? I hate American Idol, and therefore hate any commercial for it. The only way this would have been good is if they had Ben pouring tequila down the throats of hot girls in the audience. F.

The Hawk:
JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! "I loved that song, until you ruined it." "Who sings this? Let's keep it that way." I'm not even sure what the point of this was. American Idol has plenty of viewers, so did they really need to get this elaborate? A simple reminder would have probably sufficed. Hell, maybe they were just having a little fun. Still stupid. D-.

Amp Energy Drink -- Nipples Re-charge Car Battery

The Mouth:
Ugh. Anything involving nipple clamping or belly buttons makes me want to puke. Not a good feeling to evoke when you're trying to sell a drink. And all from such a horrifically overused formula. Person can't do something. Person uses product. Miraculously person can now do something. We assume product is responsible.

This was mildly amusing, at best. The only redeeming factor is that it brought me back to the sixth grade roller-rink with Push It. Yo baby pops, yeah you, come here give me a kiss, better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed, can't you hear the music pumpin' hard like I wish you would? Now push it. Push it real good. That's from memory. D.

The Hawk:
Ugh is right. So now we've had a fat guy clamping his nipples, a horribly disgusting women and a dog's slobber all used to sell food or drink products? Doesn't it always feel better when you alone are not the stupid one? Somebody organize a happy hour for the various people behind these mistakes. F.

Victoria's Secret -- After The Game Super Bowl Ad

The Mouth:
This is exactly where Victoria's Secret should be. Once again in front of millions of grown men who spent their formative years conducting one-on-one study sessions with the catalog. And now we're old enough to have real ladies. And yes, if we've behaved, they will be waiting for us after the game. Great concept, great line(let the real games begin), great placement (near the end of the game), great ad. My only criticism is this: why not show more ladies? I mean, maybe some of us like blonds. Or redheads or Latinas or black girls or Asians or girls with buzz cuts or girls with big, fake knockers. Splash up a little variety for us. We're a melting pot. A-.

The Hawk:
An amazingly beautiful lingerie model twirling a football. Perfection. Oh, and all that intelligent ad stuff my cohort said. A+.

Moment Of Truth -- Chad Johnson

The Mouth:
I like Chad Johnson. I secretly like The Moment of Truth. I don't like this commercial. They took what was a very promising situation and delivered a very vanilla result. How was that the show that couldn't be more truthful? D.

The Hawk:
Agreed. Much like the Shaq Vitamin Water spot, they failed to utilize the potential of their star. I've seen this show too, and I think this fails to accentuate the draw of the show. This is the ad for some sort of comedy show, not Moment Of Truth. I think just showing actual clips of the show, with the participants' expressions, is the best way to draw new viewers. This spot only serves as a comedic take to people who are already watching.

Gatorade -- Man's Best Friend

The Mouth:
I'm not even going to pretend to understand what this means. Man likes Gatorade like dogs like water? Man drinks dogs? Dogs love Gatorade? Gatorade would drink Gatorade? The setup got my attention, and did make me feel kind of thirsty, but the payoff was terrible. Didn't fit the Gatorade brand at all. Was this a consumer created ad? Or did some ad-man trick Gatorade into buying a video he made of his dog? D-.

The Hawk:
I agree. No idea what they are trying here, unless it's: "Our drink tastes like nasty dog slobber. Yum." Also, I don't know what the joke is, but the punchline is: Michael Vick!!! OHHHHH!!!! F.

Taco Bell -- Mariachi band

The Mouth:
I mean, what can you really expect from Taco Bell? Can you remember a good Taco Bell ad, ever? And no, that stupid little dog doesn't count. Nothing about this seemed like a Super Bowl ad, except for the fact that it was on during the Super Bowl. In its favor, it's undeniably a Taco Bell ad. D.

The Hawk:
Sorry, I can't sugarcoat this. Plain and simple, this is some racist bullshit. At least you know it's Taco Bell, I guess. F.

Toyota Sequoia -- Big Wheel Race

The Mouth:
And the mongoose flies! Yes! Why is it so hard to do ads for family cars that make them seem cool? This ad begins to break the nauseating mold that most family car ads are cast from. Get some fresh music and show families tearing it up. Show 250 berserkers screaming down a hill on big wheels. Show that it's about more than getting from point A to point B, or keeping the kids quiet. We all know family cars are safe and we'll ask about that in the dealership, but we're still humans. We still want to feel like the $35,000 cars we're buying are cool. I would have loved for this to be for a minivan.

"Seats eight crazies." Indeed. A-.

Also, it's the perfect counterpart to the other Toyota Sequoia commercial, which I love.

The Hawk:

That's all well and good, too bad it's a rip-off of this CLASSIC H2 ad. I hate copycats. Big wheels are fun though, so I can't fail it, as much as I want to. C-.

Coke -- Super Bowl Ads

I'm not familiar with Super Bowl time slot strategy, but it's interesting to note that Coke aired both of it's ads during the 4th Quarter, while Pepsi set things off early.



This is awesome. Coke in that glass bottle -- even a balloon version -- always looks so delicious. And it looks like my cartoon friends agree! I don't even know the names of the first two characters, but I do recognize them. I do know one thing though -- they want that Coke! When old head Charlie Brown triumphantly claims the prize at the end, it's a feel good moment. This was a good implementation, as well, as the balloons look like the real thing. A.

The Mouth:
Coke is all about feeling good. And if this commercial doesn't fill your heart with joy, perhaps it's time to invest in a new heart that has feelings. Parade ballon Stewie vs. parade balloon Underdog for the parade balloon bottle of Coka-Cola Classic until SURPRISE! Parade balloon Charlie Brown! After having the football yanked out from under him so many times, doesn't he deserve an ice cold Coke? This was ranked by many as the top commercial of the Super Bowl, which I'm not sure I'm ready to concede, but it is good. A.



An ok "Odd Couple" type commercial with some sort of funny scenes, playing off the election year. It gets off to a very bad start for me, however, as Bill Frist pretty much single-handedly tried to kill online poker in America. I only have negative thoughts after seeing him. C-.

The Mouth:
Oh, I get it. Democrats and Republicans can get along if they share a Coke. Problem is, I don't really know who either of those guys are (even though they use titles to introduce them at the beginning). And if I don't know, you can bet a large portion of the beer drinking, football loving audience is also at a loss. Just didn't do anything for me. And that bald guy looks like some sort of evil skeleton. After that joyful balloon ad, this one falls flat. D-.

Sunsilk -- Famous Stars' Hair

The Mouth:
Every year you get at least one advertiser during the Super Bowl who thinks, "No one else is targeting women, this is my chance to have them all to myself." I have no idea if this works or not, but I like the thinking--millions of women stuck on couches, forced to watch football, diddling with their hair wishing someone would pay attention to them. Perfect time for a shampoo ad! Unfortunately, this year's woman ad kind of sucks. It didn't feel "big" or "fresh" enough to compete with the other ads around it. I guess it has star power, but I don't think you can ever clearly see their hair. And isn't that what you want to show off with shampoo? I mean, if life was reduced to three colors and desaturated, we'd all look awesome. D+.

The Hawk:
Yeah, it felt like they spent all of their money on the placement and on the stars and then just threw the rest together. And is that second picture really Shakira? The other two were recognizable, but Shakira is known for her curly hair, which does not come across at all in that portrait. I'm also never a fan of "hiding" the product until the end. C-.

NFL Story - Mr Oboe

The Mouth:
Oboe fans around the world were going crazy; someone was finally giving their instrument some love. But no. The point of this is not that playing the oboe is a respected and rewarding experience. The point is that if you're a giant black man, your dream must be to play professional sports. I mean, can you imagine a large person with dark skin wanting a normal life and simply enjoying playing his instrument?

That being said, I love football, I love the NFL and this was a nice story. B.

The Hawk:
I like this one. It's like a good "based on a true story" movie; it contains all of the facts with enough flare added to keep it interesting. Salaam tells the story in a funny way, and I love when the coach says "You play the oboe". Funny, heart-warming, and completely unnecessary since the Super Bowl and the NFL already has a kajillion viewers. B-

E*Trade -- Talking Baby

My love for these commercials flies directly in the face of years of hatred toward talking baby ads. I believe it was Quizno's that did a talking baby ad last year or the year before and I lambasted it as a cheap, horrible effort. But for some reason (well, the writing is the exact reason) I love these. They talk about the product and I'm entertained. Success.



Spit Up: B+

The Mouth:
"A. Don't worry about it, I just look young...you don't know how old I am." And the baby spits up. Didn't see that coming, did you?



The Hawk:
There is absolutely nothing I hate more than an investment ad. I don't care what kind of investment-related product it is, the minute I realize what's going on, I let out a loud groan and usually some sort of profanity. I didn't even get the chance to do that here, because I was already groaning about YET ANOTHER TALKING BABY. SHUT. UP. F.

Clown: A

The Mouth:
I know my associate doesn't care for these, so I want to take a minute to point out some of the details that make me love this spot. Like the way the dialog/baby's train of thought is interrupted by the sound of that balloon at the beginning. That's something you have to plan out and think about. A subtle detail that makes a big difference, in my opinion. I think if it had just been a straight read, this would have fallen flat. But the director, or someone, knew what they were doing.

"Me and the boys were talking about what to do with all this extra coin, and I was like, I'm rentin a clown...and I did...Bobo here." I like the writing and the actor's read; it seems very natural and comes off funnier because of it. Plus, that baby wanted a clown--and it got a clown. That is a man of action. You have to respect that.

The Hawk:
A talking baby and a clown! What will they think of next? Oh, they'll make a joke about clowns being creepy! How original! Awesome. FAIL. F---------

Hyundai Genesis -- Fake-ass Mercedes

Shhhhhhhh, let's try and make our ads as quiet and ignorable as possible. We don't want to wake up anyone who might be sleeping during the Super Bowl. Nor would we want to interrupt their conversation about the game. I think people will respect us for being polite and tactful; that should translate into increased car sales. ERROR.



Hyundai Genesis -- Crazy Big Twist

First, ads that are self-aware of themselves always feel like a hack-job. So this already has that going against it. This ad barely even registered on my radar. More poignantly, no one who is shopping for a Mercedes is going to have Hyundai on their radar. Not even after 1000 soft-spoken, "think about it" commercials. And if you can't afford a Mercedes, do you really care that you can get a car that's "as spacious"? Is that really what luxury means to you? At least tell us it has the same engine, or safety features, or in dash nav system as the Mercedes. But then again, maybe all you can talk about and still be in the same ballpark is space. Congrats. Does it look and feel like a Lexus or Mercedes ad? Yeah. Was that the point? I think. Is that a good idea? No. D+.



Hyundai Genesis -- Aren't Gonna Like It

I'm pretty sure the USA Today Ad Meter is going to say this ad sucked. No one is going to remember it. And if they do, they'll probably think they saw an ad for BMW, Mercedes or Lexus. That's the problem with making your ad look like the ads of your competitor, then saying the names of said competitors in the same ad. People will think they saw an ad for your competitor. On the bright side, the car looks nice and I like that typing sound at the end when the words come up. D+.

The Hawk:
"Ooooooooooo!!! He dropped it on Mercedes head like that, son! Ish was deep, kid!" Who are they kidding? A Hyundai is Hyundai and a Mercedes is a Mercedes. If you can get Jay-Z to talk about his Hyundai, then you'll have my attention. Until then, stay in your lane, pun intended. F.

Gum -- Carmen Electra

The Mouth:
Wait, so "whoa" was the word? Huh? Not even the hotness of Carmen Electra could save this terrible ad. Is there some rule about gum ads that they have to be corny and awful? Can someone please make a good fresh mouth gum ad? (well, Orbit might actually be doing this)

Here's how this should have went. Every fan who comes up to her has bad breath and gets their clock cleaned by the bodyguards in a different way; taser, running double-leg jump kick to the chest, A NET GUN! Then, one smart fan chews the gum before approaching; she says "whoa" and we cut to a scene of her and Emmanuelle Chriqui all oiled up, rolling around on a bed of mint gum tablets. Whoa. D-.

The Hawk:
One question and one question only: How does Ice Cube not get this contract? C- (only on the strength of Carmen being hot).

Vita Water -- Shaq Jockey

The Mouth:
The Big Equestrian! You gotta let Shaq talk! I want to know what he was shouting when he was pretend riding a horse. Send me the footage, because that's comedy. This ad, however, is only alright. I love Shaq, so I'm predisposed to like it. But the whole Vitamin Water campaign feels tired to me(and they haven't even done that many ads). Check out the original review here. I don't see any reason to give this more than the B- the rest of the campaign has earned. B-.

The Hawk:
I'm with that guy. Shaq is naturally funny, yet they take the easy way out and only use the "joke in the can" of a big man in a small man situation. Shaq still hams it up enough where I crack a smile, but I'm also predisposed to all things Shaq. And doesn't that one jockey's jersey look like the Radio Shack symbol? I think about Radio Shack more than I do Vitamin Water. C+.

NASCAR -- Cars inside motors

The Hawk:
As someone who has watched NASCAR at times in my life, this is the type of ad that might bring me back in the fold. It's perfect. The cars, the engines, the racetrack sounds -- everything people love about the sport. It makes me wish they could run a real race on this imaginary track. This is going to appeal to gearheads everywhere and get people excited about the Super Bowl of NASCAR, the Daytona 500. A+.

The Mouth:
A+? Come on. This didn't even seem like an ad we should review. To me, it seemed like every other NASCAR ad I've ever seen on FOX and none of them have made me want to watch NASCAR. I believe the only way NASCAR should be seen is live, amidst thousands of drunken, B.O. reeking men and their Bangs From the 80's, showing too much skin ladies. If you can't smell puke, see an overweight girl flash her saggy tits or snag a Natural Light from a compatriot's cooler, why even bother? D-.

Doritos -- Mouse In The Wall

The Mouth:
When I first saw this, I thought it was okay. Kind of funny. Personally, I would have liked to see some sort of giant human trap that snapped and broke the guy's neck, then we'd see the mouse sitting in his chair, eating Doritos and watching. After doing some looking around, I believe that this is a fan-created ad, winner of a contest put on by Doritos. Alone, as an ad, I would probably give it a lower ranking. But when I look at the larger idea and the level of consumer involvement this probably inspires, B+.

The Hawk:
I like this one a lot. Looks like the fans were indeed better than the majority of the pros for this Super Bowl! The product is clearly but not annoyingly shown and the surprise of the mouse attack is funny. Good job. A.

Pepsi -- Justin Timberlake: "Childish and immature"

The Mouth:
Is it just me, or is there something gratifying about watching Justin Timberlake get smashed into things and dragged down the street? Call it jealousy--because that would be accurate. I'm surprised they included the part where he freezes outside the window of the shirtless guy in a wig. Creepy and funny, but not something I expected to see from Pepsi. Seems like someone in some meeting would have given that part the axe. And when he gets cracked in the head by a flat-panel TV, that reminds me how much I love TVs. Who's bringing sexy back now, bitch? And how hard must it have been not to label this the "sucking Justin" ad. I'm just saying...

I get the overall message loud and clear: with every drink you're closer to Pepsi Stuff. B+.

The Hawk:
I mean, to quote the great Dennis Green, "It is what I thought it was!" JT starts right off by saying it's childish and immature, and I'll be damned if he ain't right. Throughout the ad I DON'T get it, and I'm too irritated by the end to care about whatever dumb point they are trying to prove. Nothing like a good crotch joke to really ratchet up the creativity! And isn't he supposed to be sexy and cool and not a straight cornball? F.

United Way -- Tom Brady Animated Lose Weight Ad

You may want to dial down your volume a bit. For some reason the sound on this is pumped way up.



The Mouth:
I don't remember--nor could I find--the ad my partner was talking about when he created this entry. So instead I've posted this Stetson ad as a reminder to anyone who might be stricken by a case of severe EliManningBandWagonJumpingOnicitis; Tom Brady is a hunk. Why, I can't imagine anything that says "man" more than him whipping down a dirt road in a convertible, blond riding shotgun, with a horse galloping along to boot. A.

The Hawk:

I couldn't agree more. A.

Here's the Super Bowl spot that ran for United Way:



I think this is funny. Where Stetson makes Brady look man-a-licious, this animation makes him look like a complete dweeb. I guess maybe the jeans they put Tom in made it unable for him to beat that kid in a foot race? Or maybe it was that bum ankle? And shouldn't the kid be at least a little chunky to drive the point of this one home? C+.

T-Moblie -- D-Wade makes Charles' Fav Five!

A week or so ago, T-Mobile released the above trailer-style ad as a build-up to the main event, to be shown during the Super Bowl. I've loved this campaign from the beginning, and this is more of the same. They make a great trailer, using an authentic voice-over guy and flashing the date at the end trailer-style. The best part is when Barkley's voice is echoed, saying "My fav five".

The Mouth:

I could have done without the trailer. I know the story and I'm not any more interested because of it. The only thing it made me think about was how god-awful the Miami Heat are this year. Eat it, Wade.



And then the moment we've all been waiting for... D-Wade makes Chuck's Fav Five, and gets more than he could've ever asked for! "Do like popsicles?" "It's only 2 o'clock here." "That's why I don't eat shrimp." Hilarious. A perfect encore to a great overall campaign. A+.

The Mouth:

I love Barkley and I like Wade, so this starts off with a lot of positives. The previous campaign has been good and I think this is a great payoff. "You're not driving through no tunnel." My only critique is that I still don't believe in the value of a fav five, what the hell does it do? Free calling to those five people? Their pictures on whatever you call that initial screen your phone stays on? Someone please tell me. That's not enough for me to downgrade it much, though. A-.

Planters Cashews -- Ugly Woman

The Mouth:
I thought this was cheap. Maybe I have a soft spot in my heart for ugly girls, but something about this didn't strike me as funny. Someone out there really looks like that. And I guarantee rubbing some nuts on their neck won't make them more attractive. Also, you know what doesn't make me want to eat nuts? Watching a horrific troll rub them all over herself. Yuck. D.

The Hawk:
Great execution... of a horrible idea! "Hey, I know, let's make everyone want to puke when they think of our food product!". Genius! This might have been the worst ad of the night. And does the brand of nuts even matter? Aren't nuts just nuts? F-.