Verizon, Hockey Fans Aren't Like Other Fans: A-

Hey baby! Baby! This made me laugh, then they dedicated ten seconds to hammering me with product information. For those ten seconds I was still feeling the euphoria brought on by the laughing, so I wasn't annoyed that they were trying to sell me something. The only thing wrong with this is the guy shouting isn't holding a beer. A real hockey fan would have a beer.

It's going to be hard for me not to shout at babies now. Pure comedy. And the younger the baby, the better. I might even shout at a pregnant woman's stomach. Or into a newly impregnanted vagina. A-.

The Hawk:
Definitely a well-targeted ad. Hockey fans will "get" this one, and if they are really diehard fans, it will draw their interest to Verizon's service. I dislike the Verizon glasses guy, though, so his appearance here is a detriment. He wasn't needed... although I guess he reinforces the branding. B.

Visa, Life Takes Visa: D

These ads, featuring a smoothly moving, expertly choreographed, singing dancing world--which is tragically interrupted by some dunce who dares to carry cash--fail. First, I couldn't remember which company it was for (Mastercard or Visa), so they need to brand it a little better. But more importantly, they're all based on a flawed premise. Cash slows you down? Sure, maybe occasionally you get an old lady counting coins at the market. But more often than that, you get some jackass with his credit card charging his Milky Way bar and Diet Coke. They run the card, print the reciept, get a signature, blah blah blah. Just give the guy a $5 bill and be on your way, jerk. My dad once said, "What kind of a man doesn't carry a little cash?" Some may call him old fashioned. Others call him The Truth.


Still others call him Ken Hitchcock, former coach of the Dallas Stars, Philadelphia Flyers and current coach of the Columbus Blue Jackets (in case you're like the rest of America and haven't heard of them for the last five years, yes, that is an actual NHL hockey team).

I guess they're talking about some sort of faster debit card here, but I'm still not buying it. Be a man. Carry cash. D.

The Hawk:
I agree 100%. To my knowledge, there is no debit card that does not require the user to at least enter your pin number. If it's a new card that does not require that, then they need to get that idea across. And do people care about the brand of credit card they have? I don't. I care about the interest rate, the credit limit, any awards program, etc; I've never understood the Visa vs. Mastercard ad battles. I do find the colors and intricate choreography used in this spot visually pleasing, so that is it's only saving grace. D it is.

Optimum Triple Play, Pirate Rap: F and A

Whoa. When I first saw this, I wrote down "Optimum Online Rap, FFFFFF." I was shocked and amazed and repulsed and maybe offended, all at the same time. But now it's approaching "so bad it's good" status. I'm starting to like the rap and the complete and absolute absurdity of the commercial. A band of cable loving pirates? Mermaids singing the phone number? And a special guest appearance by a rapping sea monster!? I hear they originally wanted Fat Joe to star in it, but he wouldn't agree to ride that inflatable banana (or ski rocket, whatever you call it).

One of the best parts of this YouTube video is that you can see who's responsible for this masterpiece. Globalworks. Let me guess, they specialize in marketing to minorities? You can also see the brilliant title of the spot: Reggaeton Beach English Rotoscoped Towels. Exactly what I would have called it. And I think this comment left by a user sums it up perfectly, "My 9 month old daughter LOVES this commercial...her world stops when it comes on..." As does mine.

The savings are for real, the triple play is the deal.

I have to give this an F and an A.

The Hawk:
This is pretty much genius. A Reggaeton beat with some catchy lyrics, along with hot mermaids singing a phone number commercial? This is better than a lot of radio. I'm pretty sure if I saw this a lot it would get beaten into my head. An ad that conveys information about the product! Success. B+.

Jawbone, Eliminates Noise

I saw this ad yesterday on Creativity's website. A campaign featuring short films promoting this Jawbone earpiece thing, which I had never heard of before. This one and the following rugby player (homophobic readers beware) one are the only two I could find on YouTube. But there's two more in the series, one of which features an amazingly offensive and annoying man yelling at his dry cleaner, that are pretty good. This, to me, is what advertising can be. A great story, told in a way that truly communicates the benefit of the product. The idea that Jawbone "elminates noise" is illustrated perfectly. And everyone can appreciate the slaughter of the annoyingly loud.

The title treatments at the end, where the top lines eliminate the bottom one, are almost as great as the ads themselves. I was so intrigued by these, that I actually went to the company's website to find out more about the technology. And although I loathe people who use these terrible Bluetooth, hands-free headsets, I was tempted to buy one. For about one second. Then I realized I'm not a douche.

While I find the use of gratuitous man-on-man making out to be a cheap, polarizing tactic (see Snicker's Super Bowl ad), I think you still get the point. This is by far the worst of the four, not because of the gayness, but because it features no violent elimination of the offending noise-makers:



The problem is, where will these run? In movie theaters seems to be the ideal location. The Jawbone website (where they have yet to appear) is also a good option. And even if they never get further than being a viral internet campaign, I still think the effort is a success. A.

The Hawk:
I have major problem with this product and the ads. This headset only fits in ONE EAR, correct? So how is the noise blocked out of my OTHER ear? Won't the environment potentially still greatly affect whether or not I can hear the conversation? After reading the website, I see that it does include technology that will allow the person on the other end of the call to hear me better, but that only solves half the problem.

The poolside ad hits home for me, because I find that situation particularly annoying. However, they did not need to have the group of guys carry on for so long. The point was well-proven without going so far over the top.

As for the rugby bar edition... huh? Men kissing causes a lot of noise? That makes absolutely no sense. I wasn't forced to review these, I would never have made it past the 20 or 30 second mark, so I would not have even known what the hell the product was. If I was forced to sit through these at a theatre, as my colleague suggested, I would feel murderous. F. Ad-exec masturbation, anyone?

Jitterbug, Cell Phone for Seniors

First, I'm amazed I could find this on YouTube. Who the hell would want to watch this of their own free will? I bet I've unconsciously seen this ad about 50 times, but until my roommate pointed it out during Law & Order last night, I've never been aware that I'm watching it. Something about the music, the graphics, the whole treatment, tells my brain, "you can think about something else now, this doesn't concern you." This revolutionary phone, designed especially for old folks, promises: "Bigger buttons, bigger numbers." And, "You don't need a 400-page manual to use it." How simple is Jitterbug? One version of the phone comes with only three options:


It would be hard for even the most technology-ignorant old person to be confused by that. I am a bit concerned though, as at the end it offers a free car phone charger with purchase. If you need a phone with only three options because you can't figure out a normal cell phone, you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. They're slightly more complicated and entirely more dangerous than a mobile phone.

A third version of the phone has an ASSIST button, which when pressed slowly administers lethal medication to the user, allowing them to peacefully slip away during conversation. If you happen to accidentally press the button, you're in luck, you can use your Jitterbug to call 911 or the operator for help. Or you can call home to say goodbye.

It's difficult to grade this, as I think it's probably doing it's job: turning off the brains of young consumers and singing its way into the hearts of our elderly. But because I've noticed it and I'll now be tortured by it during my many hours watching Law & Order, and because I think advertising takes advantages of the impressionable and feeble minds of our elders, F.

The Hawk:
I'm neither here nor there on this one. It's an informational ad the describes the product well and I do like that "Jitterbug" jingle in the background. All-in-all it just exists, so it gets a C. Average.

Jack Link's Beef Jerk -- Messin' With Sasquatch

A+. Pure genius! The campaign takes the "Messin' With Sasquatch" theme, and features outdoorsman/pranksters playing classic gags on Sasquatch. A great tag line and concept, with hilarious execution. I love these ads and laugh every time I see them. The only problem is that while I knew they were for beef jerky, I didn't necessarily know which brand, although I may have recognized the bag subconsciously since it is always prominently featured. Either way, I had never heard of Jack's Links before, and now I have, so that counts for something. They want all out, creating a website full of content, placing interactive ads on various websites that allowed you to mess with Sasquatch too, etc. It has become a true viral campaign, notching huge view counts on YouTube and people posting their own versions of the ads. Now, on to the show...



I think this one is my favorite. The guys get Sasquatch and just when they think they're safe... BOOM! You can't outrun Sasquatch! The hit at the end is awesome.

The Mouth: When this campaign first started, they didn't have Sasquatch getting the guys at the end; it left you feeling kind of sad. It's not fair teaming up on an unsuspecting Sasquatch like that. But once he started getting even, these went from average to great.



I had not seen this one before the review. Funny. I love how at the end, all Sasquatch wanted was a ride in the car and he leaves the driver unharmed.

The Mouth: I actually prefer the TV version, where Sasquatch never gets in the car. Once he gets in, he comes across as more beastly and intimidating, where before he was just lovable.



Ah, yes, the old "watch reflection in the eyes" trick. And who knew Sasquatch had such an accurate arm? Baseball? Football? The possibilities are endless.

The Mouth: This is the only reason I wear a watch.



I didn't like this one quite as much... but damn, there's Sasquatch showcasing that arm again!

The Mouth: Starting fires in the forest is not a joke. And watching some guy get hot, wet shit splattered on his face does not make me want to eat beef jerky.



This one is internet-only, probably due a man's arm getting ripped off. The part at the beginning with Sasquatch playing with a butterfly, really makes this one. He's just a kind, peace-loving fella... until you mess with him!

The Mouth: It's less fun when I agree with my associate, but he's pretty accurate here. Watching Sasquatch smash, throw and rip apart humans just makes you feel good. Does it make you eat or buy beef jerky? Not really. Road trips do that. A-.

Vitamin Water, Try It

After talking to a friend last night, I was all set to come in and rip the Vitamin Water campaign. I remember not really liking it when I saw it, then when we realized the tag line was "try it," I was prepared to shit all over it. But today I watched them again and thought about what Vitamin Water was trying to accomplish: breaking into a Gatorade dominated market with a new product. And while I don't love the 50-Cent orchestra ad and kind of despise the Urlacher badminton one, I had never seen this:



I'm not all that familiar with Kelly Clarkston and normally wouldn't care, but that host cracks me up. "A cobra! Super rock and roll!" I had also never seen this one:



And the idea of athletes and stars trying something new kind of ties in with you, the consumer, trying something new (Vitamin Water). So "Try It" is not quite as weak as my pint-fueled discussion had led me to believe. Still, drinking Vitamin Water doesn't cause you to try or be better at new things, as the spots tend to imply. They would work better if the athlete randomly decided to try the new sport and also to try Vitamin Water. So I guess a B? B-.

The Hawk:

I'm a Hip-Hop and basketball fan, and wouldn't you know it, I like the T-Mac and 50 ads. The first time I saw McGrady in a kilt I was thinking: "Huh?", but then I realized he has a Scottish last name! Ha. As for the 50 Cent orchestra, while "old white man says Hip-Hop slang" is a major joke-in-a-can, sometimes it can be a little funny. Mostly I like that beat performed by an orchestra. Bottom line, these two probably appealed to the desired demographic, so maybe Kelly Clarkson's spot did too. These spots are all original, grab your attention and get the point across. B. Here's the 50 Cent ad:

AT&T, BlackJack Valentine's Day Rap: F-

I'm not even sure that if I could find this commercial online I would post it. Because that would mean I'd have to watch it again. It's basically a guy rapping to camera about his girlfriend, presumably recording it and sending it to her via his cell phone for Valentine's Day. I literally have to change the channel when this comes on, for fear of being consumed by a rabid fury that results in me smashing my television with a pitching wedge. That's bad for the tv and for the wedge, both of which are very special to me.


Let me just say this: if you're thinking of getting your girlfriend a phone with video capabilities for Valentine's Day, good for you. Electronics are awesome. If you're thinking of using your phone to send her new phone a video of you, the whitest man in America, doing the worst rap known to man, please stop and think again.

The worst part is that somewhere along the way this received the approval of a whole team of "advertising professionals." Not only in concept form, but even after they saw the shockingly terrible finished product. Sometimes you need to self censor a bit; someone has to have the stones needed to step up and say you know what, we liked the idea, but you all see this, it sucks. We can't put this on tv. They seem to have forgotten rule number one of advertising: avoid ads that will make the consumer HATE your product. This has done that for me.

Furthermore, I went to the AT&T site to try and find whatever promotion this is (so I'd have some sort of image to accompany this post) and I couldn't find anything. No Valentine's Day promotion at all. So even if this commercial wasn't shotgun-eatingly bad, consumers can't follow up and actually take advantage of the promotion.

F-. The worst.


The Hawk:
Yo, Mouth, why you trippin', home skillet? This is that new hot fire on the streets, playa-toni, pepperoni! Hotter than paprika!

Yes, horrible. Although something deep inside me says there is still a segment of society out there that laughs and likes this. I'll even admit I think the paprika line is funny. D+.

UPS, Whiteboard Campaign

Not everyone likes this campaign. I think most of the dislike comes from not liking the guy who does the drawings. Sure, he's a little smarmy, kind of a douche and has a Richard Lewis haircut, but I don't mind him. Before, I didn't really notice him. I'm mesmerized by his drawings and the way he turns things into other things by adding and erasing lines. The campaign is incredibly recognizable, somewhat entertaining and delivers the UPS message in such a simple manner that even the idiot in charge of your mail room can understand it.

Moreover, it has sparked an avalanche of video spoofs on YouTube. Among them, there are videos covering such subjects as mail order brides, getting rid of the body, monkey sex, and two girls one cup. If imitation in the highest form of flattery, what is parody?

It's almost enough to make me stop thinking of a log of shit when I hear "what can brown do for you?" B+.

The Hawk: Ruuuuuuuuuuuun! Hide the women and children! LITERALLY. You know why this guy thinks sending a bigger shipment is great? Because he can fit more children in the truck to molest. This guy gives me the creeps. And they include the actual squeaking sounds of the marker? A lot of people HATE that sound -- never a positive in advertising. I guess the "viralness" of it all does have some merit, so I can't flunk it. D+.

Chevy Malibu, Car You Can't Ignore: D

Chevy was brave to admit that they'd been making a completely irrelevant car for the last ten years. You can almost guarantee that every Malibu you see on the road is a rental, because no one would ever buy such a bland car, especially when you give it a fruity name like "Malibu." So kudos for taking your car's ignorability head on. That saves this from the F I would normally give anything associated with the Malibu. The very least you could do is give it a better name. That should have been your first step. What, were you scared you'd lose your loyal Malibu fan base? I assure you, those five people won't hurt your sales.



In this, they claim that "The Chevy brand is on the ascendancy, with Malibu to lead the renaissance." Who claims that? Wards AutoWorld, which I have never heard of. If Chevy has indeed chosen the Malibu as their beacon of change, it's a terrible blunder. Even though the look of the car seems much improved, it's still the MALIBU. No one wants to buy a car called the Malibu. Might as well call it the Chevy Pink Pony. Or the Chevy Tulip Tickle. I'm pretty sure I can ignore this car.

The Hawk:
Really? Cops running past a car into a bank heist? REALLY? That's just stupid. The second spot is just your typical, run-of-the-mill, car commercial that you CAN ignore. Boring. They would get a C, but the stupidity of the bank heist ad pushes them down to D.