I Rate Ads Dot Com--A Real Website

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Old Spice -- Hair and Body Wash

I don't think I need to go into much detail here. Just good, clean comedy. Has this ever been on TV? I'm not sure. Might be a YouTube phenomenon.

"Sure, criminal." A.

Dentyne Ice -- Frog Ad: F

I hate this ad more and more every time I see it. I can't explain exactly why I hate it, but I do. A lot. I mostly hate the CGI prince and princess. And the fact that food and candy marketing experts think that this is the kind of worthless trash that will make me buy their product. Unfortunately, this is the exact kind of gum I chew. That fact makes me feel slightly ashamed. F.

The Hawk:
I like it and I chew it. The spot does a good job of showing the product, it has enjoyable music and excellent visuals (unless you hate the CGI prince, I guess!) that fit the overall "Ice" feel. B-.

American Idol -- Ben Roethlisberger

The Mouth:
Does anyone even remember that the Steelers won the Super Bowl? I hate American Idol, and therefore hate any commercial for it. The only way this would have been good is if they had Ben pouring tequila down the throats of hot girls in the audience. F.

The Hawk:
JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! JOKE IN A CAN ALERT! "I loved that song, until you ruined it." "Who sings this? Let's keep it that way." I'm not even sure what the point of this was. American Idol has plenty of viewers, so did they really need to get this elaborate? A simple reminder would have probably sufficed. Hell, maybe they were just having a little fun. Still stupid. D-.

Amp Energy Drink -- Nipples Re-charge Car Battery

The Mouth:
Ugh. Anything involving nipple clamping or belly buttons makes me want to puke. Not a good feeling to evoke when you're trying to sell a drink. And all from such a horrifically overused formula. Person can't do something. Person uses product. Miraculously person can now do something. We assume product is responsible.

This was mildly amusing, at best. The only redeeming factor is that it brought me back to the sixth grade roller-rink with Push It. Yo baby pops, yeah you, come here give me a kiss, better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed, can't you hear the music pumpin' hard like I wish you would? Now push it. Push it real good. That's from memory. D.

The Hawk:
Ugh is right. So now we've had a fat guy clamping his nipples, a horribly disgusting women and a dog's slobber all used to sell food or drink products? Doesn't it always feel better when you alone are not the stupid one? Somebody organize a happy hour for the various people behind these mistakes. F.

Victoria's Secret -- After The Game Super Bowl Ad

The Mouth:
This is exactly where Victoria's Secret should be. Once again in front of millions of grown men who spent their formative years conducting one-on-one study sessions with the catalog. And now we're old enough to have real ladies. And yes, if we've behaved, they will be waiting for us after the game. Great concept, great line(let the real games begin), great placement (near the end of the game), great ad. My only criticism is this: why not show more ladies? I mean, maybe some of us like blonds. Or redheads or Latinas or black girls or Asians or girls with buzz cuts or girls with big, fake knockers. Splash up a little variety for us. We're a melting pot. A-.

The Hawk:
An amazingly beautiful lingerie model twirling a football. Perfection. Oh, and all that intelligent ad stuff my cohort said. A+.

Moment Of Truth -- Chad Johnson

The Mouth:
I like Chad Johnson. I secretly like The Moment of Truth. I don't like this commercial. They took what was a very promising situation and delivered a very vanilla result. How was that the show that couldn't be more truthful? D.

The Hawk:
Agreed. Much like the Shaq Vitamin Water spot, they failed to utilize the potential of their star. I've seen this show too, and I think this fails to accentuate the draw of the show. This is the ad for some sort of comedy show, not Moment Of Truth. I think just showing actual clips of the show, with the participants' expressions, is the best way to draw new viewers. This spot only serves as a comedic take to people who are already watching.

Gatorade -- Man's Best Friend

The Mouth:
I'm not even going to pretend to understand what this means. Man likes Gatorade like dogs like water? Man drinks dogs? Dogs love Gatorade? Gatorade would drink Gatorade? The setup got my attention, and did make me feel kind of thirsty, but the payoff was terrible. Didn't fit the Gatorade brand at all. Was this a consumer created ad? Or did some ad-man trick Gatorade into buying a video he made of his dog? D-.

The Hawk:
I agree. No idea what they are trying here, unless it's: "Our drink tastes like nasty dog slobber. Yum." Also, I don't know what the joke is, but the punchline is: Michael Vick!!! OHHHHH!!!! F.

Taco Bell -- Mariachi band

The Mouth:
I mean, what can you really expect from Taco Bell? Can you remember a good Taco Bell ad, ever? And no, that stupid little dog doesn't count. Nothing about this seemed like a Super Bowl ad, except for the fact that it was on during the Super Bowl. In its favor, it's undeniably a Taco Bell ad. D.

The Hawk:
Sorry, I can't sugarcoat this. Plain and simple, this is some racist bullshit. At least you know it's Taco Bell, I guess. F.

Toyota Sequoia -- Big Wheel Race

The Mouth:
And the mongoose flies! Yes! Why is it so hard to do ads for family cars that make them seem cool? This ad begins to break the nauseating mold that most family car ads are cast from. Get some fresh music and show families tearing it up. Show 250 berserkers screaming down a hill on big wheels. Show that it's about more than getting from point A to point B, or keeping the kids quiet. We all know family cars are safe and we'll ask about that in the dealership, but we're still humans. We still want to feel like the $35,000 cars we're buying are cool. I would have loved for this to be for a minivan.

"Seats eight crazies." Indeed. A-.

Also, it's the perfect counterpart to the other Toyota Sequoia commercial, which I love.

The Hawk:

That's all well and good, too bad it's a rip-off of this CLASSIC H2 ad. I hate copycats. Big wheels are fun though, so I can't fail it, as much as I want to. C-.

Coke -- Super Bowl Ads

I'm not familiar with Super Bowl time slot strategy, but it's interesting to note that Coke aired both of it's ads during the 4th Quarter, while Pepsi set things off early.



This is awesome. Coke in that glass bottle -- even a balloon version -- always looks so delicious. And it looks like my cartoon friends agree! I don't even know the names of the first two characters, but I do recognize them. I do know one thing though -- they want that Coke! When old head Charlie Brown triumphantly claims the prize at the end, it's a feel good moment. This was a good implementation, as well, as the balloons look like the real thing. A.

The Mouth:
Coke is all about feeling good. And if this commercial doesn't fill your heart with joy, perhaps it's time to invest in a new heart that has feelings. Parade ballon Stewie vs. parade balloon Underdog for the parade balloon bottle of Coka-Cola Classic until SURPRISE! Parade balloon Charlie Brown! After having the football yanked out from under him so many times, doesn't he deserve an ice cold Coke? This was ranked by many as the top commercial of the Super Bowl, which I'm not sure I'm ready to concede, but it is good. A.



An ok "Odd Couple" type commercial with some sort of funny scenes, playing off the election year. It gets off to a very bad start for me, however, as Bill Frist pretty much single-handedly tried to kill online poker in America. I only have negative thoughts after seeing him. C-.

The Mouth:
Oh, I get it. Democrats and Republicans can get along if they share a Coke. Problem is, I don't really know who either of those guys are (even though they use titles to introduce them at the beginning). And if I don't know, you can bet a large portion of the beer drinking, football loving audience is also at a loss. Just didn't do anything for me. And that bald guy looks like some sort of evil skeleton. After that joyful balloon ad, this one falls flat. D-.

Sunsilk -- Famous Stars' Hair

The Mouth:
Every year you get at least one advertiser during the Super Bowl who thinks, "No one else is targeting women, this is my chance to have them all to myself." I have no idea if this works or not, but I like the thinking--millions of women stuck on couches, forced to watch football, diddling with their hair wishing someone would pay attention to them. Perfect time for a shampoo ad! Unfortunately, this year's woman ad kind of sucks. It didn't feel "big" or "fresh" enough to compete with the other ads around it. I guess it has star power, but I don't think you can ever clearly see their hair. And isn't that what you want to show off with shampoo? I mean, if life was reduced to three colors and desaturated, we'd all look awesome. D+.

The Hawk:
Yeah, it felt like they spent all of their money on the placement and on the stars and then just threw the rest together. And is that second picture really Shakira? The other two were recognizable, but Shakira is known for her curly hair, which does not come across at all in that portrait. I'm also never a fan of "hiding" the product until the end. C-.

NFL Story - Mr Oboe

The Mouth:
Oboe fans around the world were going crazy; someone was finally giving their instrument some love. But no. The point of this is not that playing the oboe is a respected and rewarding experience. The point is that if you're a giant black man, your dream must be to play professional sports. I mean, can you imagine a large person with dark skin wanting a normal life and simply enjoying playing his instrument?

That being said, I love football, I love the NFL and this was a nice story. B.

The Hawk:
I like this one. It's like a good "based on a true story" movie; it contains all of the facts with enough flare added to keep it interesting. Salaam tells the story in a funny way, and I love when the coach says "You play the oboe". Funny, heart-warming, and completely unnecessary since the Super Bowl and the NFL already has a kajillion viewers. B-

E*Trade -- Talking Baby

My love for these commercials flies directly in the face of years of hatred toward talking baby ads. I believe it was Quizno's that did a talking baby ad last year or the year before and I lambasted it as a cheap, horrible effort. But for some reason (well, the writing is the exact reason) I love these. They talk about the product and I'm entertained. Success.



Spit Up: B+

The Mouth:
"A. Don't worry about it, I just look young...you don't know how old I am." And the baby spits up. Didn't see that coming, did you?



The Hawk:
There is absolutely nothing I hate more than an investment ad. I don't care what kind of investment-related product it is, the minute I realize what's going on, I let out a loud groan and usually some sort of profanity. I didn't even get the chance to do that here, because I was already groaning about YET ANOTHER TALKING BABY. SHUT. UP. F.

Clown: A

The Mouth:
I know my associate doesn't care for these, so I want to take a minute to point out some of the details that make me love this spot. Like the way the dialog/baby's train of thought is interrupted by the sound of that balloon at the beginning. That's something you have to plan out and think about. A subtle detail that makes a big difference, in my opinion. I think if it had just been a straight read, this would have fallen flat. But the director, or someone, knew what they were doing.

"Me and the boys were talking about what to do with all this extra coin, and I was like, I'm rentin a clown...and I did...Bobo here." I like the writing and the actor's read; it seems very natural and comes off funnier because of it. Plus, that baby wanted a clown--and it got a clown. That is a man of action. You have to respect that.

The Hawk:
A talking baby and a clown! What will they think of next? Oh, they'll make a joke about clowns being creepy! How original! Awesome. FAIL. F---------

Hyundai Genesis -- Fake-ass Mercedes

Shhhhhhhh, let's try and make our ads as quiet and ignorable as possible. We don't want to wake up anyone who might be sleeping during the Super Bowl. Nor would we want to interrupt their conversation about the game. I think people will respect us for being polite and tactful; that should translate into increased car sales. ERROR.



Hyundai Genesis -- Crazy Big Twist

First, ads that are self-aware of themselves always feel like a hack-job. So this already has that going against it. This ad barely even registered on my radar. More poignantly, no one who is shopping for a Mercedes is going to have Hyundai on their radar. Not even after 1000 soft-spoken, "think about it" commercials. And if you can't afford a Mercedes, do you really care that you can get a car that's "as spacious"? Is that really what luxury means to you? At least tell us it has the same engine, or safety features, or in dash nav system as the Mercedes. But then again, maybe all you can talk about and still be in the same ballpark is space. Congrats. Does it look and feel like a Lexus or Mercedes ad? Yeah. Was that the point? I think. Is that a good idea? No. D+.



Hyundai Genesis -- Aren't Gonna Like It

I'm pretty sure the USA Today Ad Meter is going to say this ad sucked. No one is going to remember it. And if they do, they'll probably think they saw an ad for BMW, Mercedes or Lexus. That's the problem with making your ad look like the ads of your competitor, then saying the names of said competitors in the same ad. People will think they saw an ad for your competitor. On the bright side, the car looks nice and I like that typing sound at the end when the words come up. D+.

The Hawk:
"Ooooooooooo!!! He dropped it on Mercedes head like that, son! Ish was deep, kid!" Who are they kidding? A Hyundai is Hyundai and a Mercedes is a Mercedes. If you can get Jay-Z to talk about his Hyundai, then you'll have my attention. Until then, stay in your lane, pun intended. F.

Gum -- Carmen Electra

The Mouth:
Wait, so "whoa" was the word? Huh? Not even the hotness of Carmen Electra could save this terrible ad. Is there some rule about gum ads that they have to be corny and awful? Can someone please make a good fresh mouth gum ad? (well, Orbit might actually be doing this)

Here's how this should have went. Every fan who comes up to her has bad breath and gets their clock cleaned by the bodyguards in a different way; taser, running double-leg jump kick to the chest, A NET GUN! Then, one smart fan chews the gum before approaching; she says "whoa" and we cut to a scene of her and Emmanuelle Chriqui all oiled up, rolling around on a bed of mint gum tablets. Whoa. D-.

The Hawk:
One question and one question only: How does Ice Cube not get this contract? C- (only on the strength of Carmen being hot).

Vita Water -- Shaq Jockey

The Mouth:
The Big Equestrian! You gotta let Shaq talk! I want to know what he was shouting when he was pretend riding a horse. Send me the footage, because that's comedy. This ad, however, is only alright. I love Shaq, so I'm predisposed to like it. But the whole Vitamin Water campaign feels tired to me(and they haven't even done that many ads). Check out the original review here. I don't see any reason to give this more than the B- the rest of the campaign has earned. B-.

The Hawk:
I'm with that guy. Shaq is naturally funny, yet they take the easy way out and only use the "joke in the can" of a big man in a small man situation. Shaq still hams it up enough where I crack a smile, but I'm also predisposed to all things Shaq. And doesn't that one jockey's jersey look like the Radio Shack symbol? I think about Radio Shack more than I do Vitamin Water. C+.

NASCAR -- Cars inside motors

The Hawk:
As someone who has watched NASCAR at times in my life, this is the type of ad that might bring me back in the fold. It's perfect. The cars, the engines, the racetrack sounds -- everything people love about the sport. It makes me wish they could run a real race on this imaginary track. This is going to appeal to gearheads everywhere and get people excited about the Super Bowl of NASCAR, the Daytona 500. A+.

The Mouth:
A+? Come on. This didn't even seem like an ad we should review. To me, it seemed like every other NASCAR ad I've ever seen on FOX and none of them have made me want to watch NASCAR. I believe the only way NASCAR should be seen is live, amidst thousands of drunken, B.O. reeking men and their Bangs From the 80's, showing too much skin ladies. If you can't smell puke, see an overweight girl flash her saggy tits or snag a Natural Light from a compatriot's cooler, why even bother? D-.

Doritos -- Mouse In The Wall

The Mouth:
When I first saw this, I thought it was okay. Kind of funny. Personally, I would have liked to see some sort of giant human trap that snapped and broke the guy's neck, then we'd see the mouse sitting in his chair, eating Doritos and watching. After doing some looking around, I believe that this is a fan-created ad, winner of a contest put on by Doritos. Alone, as an ad, I would probably give it a lower ranking. But when I look at the larger idea and the level of consumer involvement this probably inspires, B+.

The Hawk:
I like this one a lot. Looks like the fans were indeed better than the majority of the pros for this Super Bowl! The product is clearly but not annoyingly shown and the surprise of the mouse attack is funny. Good job. A.

Pepsi -- Justin Timberlake: "Childish and immature"

The Mouth:
Is it just me, or is there something gratifying about watching Justin Timberlake get smashed into things and dragged down the street? Call it jealousy--because that would be accurate. I'm surprised they included the part where he freezes outside the window of the shirtless guy in a wig. Creepy and funny, but not something I expected to see from Pepsi. Seems like someone in some meeting would have given that part the axe. And when he gets cracked in the head by a flat-panel TV, that reminds me how much I love TVs. Who's bringing sexy back now, bitch? And how hard must it have been not to label this the "sucking Justin" ad. I'm just saying...

I get the overall message loud and clear: with every drink you're closer to Pepsi Stuff. B+.

The Hawk:
I mean, to quote the great Dennis Green, "It is what I thought it was!" JT starts right off by saying it's childish and immature, and I'll be damned if he ain't right. Throughout the ad I DON'T get it, and I'm too irritated by the end to care about whatever dumb point they are trying to prove. Nothing like a good crotch joke to really ratchet up the creativity! And isn't he supposed to be sexy and cool and not a straight cornball? F.

United Way -- Tom Brady Animated Lose Weight Ad

You may want to dial down your volume a bit. For some reason the sound on this is pumped way up.



The Mouth:
I don't remember--nor could I find--the ad my partner was talking about when he created this entry. So instead I've posted this Stetson ad as a reminder to anyone who might be stricken by a case of severe EliManningBandWagonJumpingOnicitis; Tom Brady is a hunk. Why, I can't imagine anything that says "man" more than him whipping down a dirt road in a convertible, blond riding shotgun, with a horse galloping along to boot. A.

The Hawk:

I couldn't agree more. A.

Here's the Super Bowl spot that ran for United Way:



I think this is funny. Where Stetson makes Brady look man-a-licious, this animation makes him look like a complete dweeb. I guess maybe the jeans they put Tom in made it unable for him to beat that kid in a foot race? Or maybe it was that bum ankle? And shouldn't the kid be at least a little chunky to drive the point of this one home? C+.

T-Moblie -- D-Wade makes Charles' Fav Five!

A week or so ago, T-Mobile released the above trailer-style ad as a build-up to the main event, to be shown during the Super Bowl. I've loved this campaign from the beginning, and this is more of the same. They make a great trailer, using an authentic voice-over guy and flashing the date at the end trailer-style. The best part is when Barkley's voice is echoed, saying "My fav five".

The Mouth:

I could have done without the trailer. I know the story and I'm not any more interested because of it. The only thing it made me think about was how god-awful the Miami Heat are this year. Eat it, Wade.



And then the moment we've all been waiting for... D-Wade makes Chuck's Fav Five, and gets more than he could've ever asked for! "Do like popsicles?" "It's only 2 o'clock here." "That's why I don't eat shrimp." Hilarious. A perfect encore to a great overall campaign. A+.

The Mouth:

I love Barkley and I like Wade, so this starts off with a lot of positives. The previous campaign has been good and I think this is a great payoff. "You're not driving through no tunnel." My only critique is that I still don't believe in the value of a fav five, what the hell does it do? Free calling to those five people? Their pictures on whatever you call that initial screen your phone stays on? Someone please tell me. That's not enough for me to downgrade it much, though. A-.

Planters Cashews -- Ugly Woman

The Mouth:
I thought this was cheap. Maybe I have a soft spot in my heart for ugly girls, but something about this didn't strike me as funny. Someone out there really looks like that. And I guarantee rubbing some nuts on their neck won't make them more attractive. Also, you know what doesn't make me want to eat nuts? Watching a horrific troll rub them all over herself. Yuck. D.

The Hawk:
Great execution... of a horrible idea! "Hey, I know, let's make everyone want to puke when they think of our food product!". Genius! This might have been the worst ad of the night. And does the brand of nuts even matter? Aren't nuts just nuts? F-.

GMC -- Pushing Rock

The Mouth:
Do we really have to review this one? It's forty seconds of talking while we watch a simple black and white cartoon that barely moves. I know that as a writer, I should appreciate a spot like this. Quiet, with a well-written VO; but during the Super Bowl, all it gets is a big, fat yawn. F.

The Hawk:
Big, fat yawn is right. If more than 2% of viewers managed to sit through the beginning snooze fest, then I'd be amazed. The most egregious offense to me, is that it has the look, tone and feel of a financial/investment ad, and I HATE financial investment ads. F.

Parents as Anti-Drug -- Drug Dealer -- F

Holy smokes, what a colossal blunder this was. What is the logic behind having a drug dealer, who is kind of likable, tell you his business sucks? Before you jump on me, I get it, the message is to parents, that they should watch their medicine cabinets. But you know who else was watching the game? Kids. Kids who heard, "if you want to get high for free, quit paying your dope dealer, all you need are some of your parents' pills." I mean, maybe we should also have also told parents, "you should especially not leave OxyContin, Valium, Zanax, Adderall, and Vicodin lying around, because when you take those, you can get a really nice buzz." Why not pass out lists of prescription drugs at schools? That'd be about as effective. Whatever happened to showing a kid with brain damage from drug abuse or a mom crying at a kid's funeral? Stop trying to be so clever. A down on his luck drug dealer is not going to win the war on drugs, idiots. F.

The Hawk:
Ha, I liked it, of course. At least the first time. But I didn't pay full attention -- I thought it was just saying, "don't blame the drug dealer for your kids doing drugs, blame yourself". Seems like that would have been a good message. Still, maybe this will still open the eyes of some parents? But the Mouth may be right, and it may open the eyes of just as many kids. Hmm... I'm not a parent, nor have I done drugs, so I'm not even close to the target demographic here, so it's too close to call. I'm going to take the cop out and go with C.

SoBe Life Water -- Dancing Lizards and Naomi Campbell

The Hawk:
Aren't there already too many advertising lizards? Is Michael Jackson really who you want as the voice of your campaign? And if he isn't controversial enough, why not use a model, Naomi Campbell, that has personally kept a few dozen criminal defense attorneys in business over the years? Is the SoBe name ever actually mentioned in this spot? Why are the lizards better dancers than Campbell?

Although this is mildly entertaining (I like the colors, music and the lizards with grills), I think they could have done a much better job. D.

The Mouth:
Maybe if this was on during Project Runway or America's Next Top Model, but during the Super Bowl? It seemed entirely out of place, which perhaps was the goal, since I remember it. My first instinct was that it was terrbile, and rewatching it hasn't done much to change my mind. However, I disagree with my associate on his disapproval of Michael Jackson. That's old-school Mike and the people love him. I also like the part where the lizard eats the bug--trials of life. C-.

Update -- The Hawk:
I'm starting to develop a weird obsession with this commercial. But before I get to that, let's run down Miss Campbell's legal history (thank you Wikipedia):
--In 2000, she pleaded guilty to a 1998 assault on Georgina Galanis, her then assistant; Campbell had assaulted Galanis with a telephone in a hotel room and threatened to throw her out of a moving car.
--In March 2005, Campbell allegedly slapped assistant Amanda Brack and beat her around the head with a BlackBerry personal organiser.
--Italian actress Yvonne Sciò has claimed Campbell left her "covered in blood" after an altercation at a Rome hotel. Sciò claimed: "She punched me in the face. She was like Mike Tyson."
--On March 30, 2006 in New York City, Campbell was arrested for allegedly assaulting her housekeeper with a jewel-encrusted mobile phone, resulting in a bloody head that required several stitches
--On October 25, 2006, Campbell was arrested in London on suspicion of assault; she was released on police bail.
--On January 16, 2007, Campbell pleaded guilty to a charge of reckless assault against her maid Ana Scolavino

Have you heard enough? How in the hell does she get an ad deal? "Drink our water. You'll want to beat the shit out of people!" Athletes (think Kobe Bryant following rape charges) are vilified the instant they so much as sniff a court case, almost always losing any endorsement deals. What is so unique about Naomi? This stuff is fairly recent, and I'm not aware of any resurgence/transformation she's undergone. I'm not even sure over half the people who saw this recognized her, so they could have easily used some other hot young thing.

But maybe they saw what I'm beginning to see, as my odd fascination with this ad grows. Once it comes on, I can't turn it off... Do I love to hate it? Is it so bad it's good? It's something... and I can't figure it out. It makes me feel weird. Something about her dancing is not quite right... and I like it? Is she a lizard woman? Either way, since one of the lizards eats a grasshopper, they should've had her beat the hell out of someone with a cellphone!

CareerBuilder.com -- Super Bowl Ads

Following in the footsteps of Monster.com, CareerBuilder gets in on the Super Bowl action with two memorable spots. They deliver a very clear, easy to follow message--even though each message is different. The overall tagline "start building" is okay, but doesn't really inspire me the way Monster's "your calling is calling" does. I guess at the end of the day, CareerBuilder will always be Monster's little brother. And they didn't do anything here to tell me why CareerBuilder is different or better than Monster. In fact, if you weren't paying attention, it's possible you might have thought that these were ads for Monster.



Follow Your Heart -- B+

The Mouth:
This was the better of the two. I love seeing that little heart plop down onto the keyboard. You know exactly what's going on and it's still fun to watch. For some reason it felt sort of flat at the end, but it still worked for me.

The Hawk:
Watching this ad, I had no clue what it was for. A new horror flick? A heartburn medication? Oh, maybe a job board. After it all comes together, the message is clear... if you can stomach it. This is gross, crude and makes me cringe. They made the food the boss is eating look like the cooked organs of his other employees It also seems like they should have used a man for the employee, as right when the heart is coming out, I'm thinking something is up with her boobs. Weird and bad. F.



Spider Eats Firefly -- C+

The Mouth:
I would have liked to see them develop the heart as its own character. There's thousands of ways that you can follow your heart regarding your career. Instead, they deliver a different message, that "wishing won't get you a better job." True. But this commercial won't convince me to use your site.

The Hawk:
Let's face it, they wanted to use "Wish Upon A Star", Disney wouldn't let them, so they came up with a lame, but cheap substitute. Weak. The song is bad and I'm happy when the spider eats that stupid bug. Like The Mouth said, when you think Super Bowl advertising and job boards, you think Monster, so they would be better served to get their name out there right away. There is no evidence of the service being advertised until I've stopped caring. F.

Garmin -- Napoleon's Army

The Mouth:
The music drives, the suspense builds, it's a mystery...who is driving this little car? The headless horseman? A ghost? A baby? Or maybe the car is driving itself? From the beginning it caught my interest and I was surprised--though not really excited--when Napoleon stepped out of the car. I don't know if it really sells the Garmin device effectively. We had a Garmin the last time I traveled and it wasn't all that great. Overall the ad was pretty good--and they capitalized on the growing popularity of the mini-horse! Unless that was a pony. B-.

The Hawk:
I didn't get this one. Napoleon? Huh? Was this targeting the large foreign audience tuning into the Super Bowl? Somehow I don't see the American masses finding this interesting. The music annoys me, as well. At least the show their device being used, effectively. D.

Toyota Corolla -- Ferocious Badgers

The Mouth:
The message is clear, the idea is sort of funny. They could have used more badgers. C+.

The Hawk:
Isn't there a more ferocious animal they could have used? Are badgers funny or are they trying to use cute things that aren't ferocious in an ironic sort of way? I don't get and think it's dumb. At least I know that's a for a Corolla when I watch, though, and I do like quiet cars. D-.

Budweiser -- Rocky Clydesdale -- A+

While Bud Light was represented in several Super Bowl spots, Budweiser went with quality over quantity, and this might have been my favorite ad of the night. It's outstanding. Whereas Audi butchered an American classic, The Godfather, Budweiser took an American classic, Rocky, and stayed true to its spirit. The end result is commercial goodness. I sort of wished they hadn't had the dap scene at the end, but that's nit-picking. A+.

The Mouth:

Borrowed interest. Nice work, you thought of a commercial where a horse trains like Rocky. I know Budweiser is associated with those clydesdales, but in reality, I don't really care about that at all. In fact, I kind of hate those uppity horses with their wispy white hoof-hair. The horse commercial where the zebra is the referee set the bar pretty high and this doesn't even come close. Although I do like that they named the horse Hank. How can Hank compete with Thunder? C.

Tide Stain Stick -- Talking Stain

The Mouth:

Outstanding. I laughed as soon as the stain started talking and didn't stop until the end. I sort of expected something like that to happen once I saw the large stain on the shirt, but the gibberish-sounding voice and the way it caused you to completely disregard everything he was saying, and the fact that the longer it went, the more excited the stain got struck my funny. I thought the point was going to be that your stains say enough about you, so "Silence the stain" wasn't entirely expected. The fact that Tide put out a Super Bowl ad--and not just any ad, but one that can compete for one of the best--that was a surprise. I can watch this over and over again.

Then, in addition, you can go to mytalkingstain.com and upload your own stain face and talking stain voice. Not exactly changing the world of advertising, but a fun, easy way to get users involved with your brand. Ashabashabashabash. A.

The Hawk:
I did not find this ad funny at all, but I did find it interesting, and it kept my interest. The main problem with this one, for me, is I still initially think it is for a job site like Monster or CareerBuilder, as I did the first time I saw it, until I'm reminded it's for the Stain Stick. Overall, a nice creative Super Bowl ad without going too far over-the-top. B-.

Cars.com -- Glondoor and Shrunken Head

The Mouth:
There's something about this Plan B campaign I like. The branding comes across pretty clear; I walk away knowing that cars.com prepares you for car shopping, so you don't have to use plan b. In the death-match one, I like when he advises the salesman to step outside the circle. And in the shrunken head ad, I laughed at: "Hey Jay, can I take off? I got a tiny head." B+ for both spots.

The Hawk:
I'm in between on these. The first half of both gets the point across and is good for Cars.com. But then the plan b's are out of nowhere craziness. In the Glondoor spot, the guy just says "plan b", not "plan b to make sure you give me what I wanted", like the shrunken head spot -- then it would've made more sense. Also, is it a good or bad thing to use B-level actors in your ads? The customer in Shrunken Head is an actor on the FOX tv series Bones. I never understand why that level of actor would stoop to this level. C-.

FedEx -- Carrier Pigeons

The Mouth:
Yes! Unlike most normal people living in New York, I love pigeons (especially the pigeons who live outside my bathroom window and constantly get it on). This commercial, from the very beginning has FedEx written all over it. They've been so consistent in the feel of their commercials, that within the first five seconds you can guess it's going to be their ad. And they seem to deliver something great every year (including one of my all time favorites). The special effects aren't the greatest, but it doesn't even matter. Watching those birds cause chaos brings me great joy. And the point is simple and easy to remember: switch to FedEx. A+.

The Hawk:
I like this one too. However, I would've like the boss at the beginning to say "Did we pick FedEx?" or something to that affect, because when you are advertising against your competitors, you want to make sure people are thinking FedEx, and not just laughing at the funny pigeons. Pigeons with GPS are awesome! B-.

Dell / Red -- Guy In Streets With Laptop

The Mouth:
I like the song. And the effort by Dell to join the ranks of GAP and whoever else is participating in the (RED) program. But the Super Bowl is probably not the time to launch this campaign. It was a somewhat clever idea with the people all cheering him on as he walks through the street, but the concept seems to be almost lifted (with lamer results) from this old Starbucks ad. Very average. C.

The Hawk:
They try to show the product early, but I just thought he had a red notebook. I had no idea what was going on during most of the ad. Why is everyone cheering? What did this guy do? Even after seeing that he has that red laptop, I still don't see what the hullah bulloo is all about. Uninteresting. Uninspired. D.

GoDaddy.com -- Danica Patrick Teaser -- D+

The Mouth:
This commercial took me through a range of emotions. First, I thought it was terrible. I hate commercials that are self-aware, so when that guy says "I used to watch...for the commercials," I throw up in my mouth a bit. And when the whole party runs over to the monitor, the cheese factor goes through the roof. But wait, I thought, they're running a sexy Danica Patrick ad on their website. Brilliant. I just got done saying how they should never have strayed from their proven tits-sell strategy. And then I went to the website and saw this:



Awful. Nothing makes a man angrier than going somewhere with the expectation of seeing some tits and then seeing no tits at all. The old bait and switch is never appreciated. And the beaver bit is stolen from--and doesn't even compare to--these Molsen Canadian ads:


Chasing Beaver: A


Scoring Beaver: A
Furry, soft, trimmed.

GoDaddy.com really let me down, although I have to give them some points for trickery. D+.

The Hawk:
I pretty much hated this, but the telling factor would be how many people visit the site? Since the site is their business, if this drove traffic, it was a success. Now, anyone who stopped and thought about it would realize Danica Patrick is not getting naked in a million years, and would not have visited. The beaver aspect was only mildly amusing. I'll agree with D+, unless someone shows me some web traffic stats.

Gatorade G2 -- Derek Jeter

The Mouth:
Blah blah blah. There's no part of me that wants to listen to Derek Jeter talk, and he yaps a bunch in this ad without really saying anything. G2 is Gatorade's answer to Vitamin Water, though I'm not sure you'd know it. They do state it's a low calorie off-field hydrator, but what that has to do with the lame baseball field appearing around him or why you'd want to drink it is a mystery. Remember, America is stupid. The only redeeming quality this spot has is Peyton Manning! Peyton! C.

The Hawk:
I on the other hand love Derek Jeter. He is the Tom Brady of baseball: Men (other than The Mouth) want to be him, and women want to be with them. The special effect baseball field is attempting to say that Gatorade is not just for on-the-field activities, it, especially it's new product, can be used in all aspects of life. I like it. It gets your attention, shows the new product, and then maybe you'll try it. B.

Singing Contest Winner for ??? -- Super Bowl

The Mouth:
There was a contest? For what, for who? Why do I care? Waste of money. My associate couldn't even remember who sponsored this. I do, but only because I was so disappointed. Doritos. You have a brand known for doing fun commercials, commercials that people enjoy. And you generally can fit your product into that ad. And this is how you spend your money? Now, I'm sure there were all sorts of other components to this; live events, internet videos, etc. But during the Super Bowl, I just don't care. I vote we don't post the ad and give additional publicity to some girl singer I don't really ever need to see again. I also think iTunes may have had something to do with this. D-.

The Hawk:
Who? What? When I saw this, I thought I had accidentally changed the station to MTV2. This really wasn't even an ad, I guess, so maybe we shouldn't even review this. I had no clue what was going on. F.

Bridgestone -- Screaming Super Bowl Ads

Screaming Animals -- C+

I feel like this is a combination of things I've seen before. The continued scream, animals in front of cars doing something. The only redeeming qualities are the silently screaming grasshopper and that woman's strange cartoonish face. And I don't think the copy at the end fits. For drivers who want to get more out of their tires, it's Bridgestone or nothing. Not running over animals is getting more out of your tires? That seems like it should be the cost of entry. For drivers who want pretty standard tires, how about Bridgestone?

The Hawk:
The first thing I thought of when I saw screaming animals, was the other recent car ad featuring animals with human qualities -- the Jeep Liberty ad -- which we both ripped. I guess this one is good for a bit of a chuckle, but the branding seems horrible. Mouth is correct about the mis-matched copy and on top of that, there have been a ton of ads over the year for actual cars, featuring this type of "quick swerve" action. They also wait too long to mention Bridgestone. That needs to happen earlier, then viewers wouldn't be left guessing. Further review bumps it a little from my initial grade, up to a C-.



Unexpected Obstacles -- B+

This brings to mind a very real fear I have. The night deer fear. Whenever I'm driving in a wooded area at night, I'm paranoid that a deer is going to bolt out in front of me. Sometimes, I can't even watch the road, I just scan the woods for a family of deer cantering out toward the road. After the deer, I love seeing Alice Cooper there. I didn't expect that. Richard Simmons is what he is (for some reason, hearing him shout "I believe in you" after we've gone to title cards makes me laugh). I think using two celebrities was sort of cheap. They could have come up with something else that was funny and unexpected, like an old lady in a bathtub with her cat. Wouldn't expect that. I also would have liked to see more of what the tire is doing. I understand it helped him avoid hitting thingsl, but maybe a slow motion capture of the tire gripping the road or something? Fear the deer. Go Bucks!

The Hawk:
I have the same general complaints with this one, only they switched not-really-that-funny animals with B(C? D?)-Level celebrities. Most Americans who once recognized Alice Cooper probably fried their brains away and thought some sort of sad clown was featured in this ad. The lighting is terrible as well, making it hard to see anything, and I'm STILL left asking: "Hey, what car was that for?". Can't wait to see the third edition! F.

Under Armour -- Super Bowl

The Mouth:
Talk about an inflated sense of self-worth. With this spot, Under Armour has officially taken themselves and their role in the sports world waaaaaaaaaay too seriously. And the number of a's I used in that "way" is completely accurate. In the beginning they claim, "We started this thing." No, you didn't. Not even close. You're so late to the party that a lot of people have already come and gone home.

And that speech at the end, with that guy talking to his "legions" in Future City, I have to wonder if they're almost making fun of themselves. Because if they're serious--which I pray to Allah they're not--someone should raid the Under Armour compound and break up their roid-fueled, meathead, James Jones militia.

"You are the new prototype! We are UnderArmour! The future is oooouuuurs!" Ridiculous. F-.

The Hawk:
First of all, a little background, notice when Cyrus says "The Future Is Ours":



This is the famous speech from The Warriors, a very popular movie with Shaq, athletes, and pretty much the entire Hip-Hop generation. Ding-ding-ding-- Under Armour's core audience. Mix in this speech scene with the standard Under Armour "protect this house" look-and-feel, and you have this new ad. To me, this is just Under Armour doing what they do. It fits in well with their overall branding with the whole future/prototype schtick introducing what appears to be a bit of a product expansion. The only minor difference was the use of Ray Lewis, where they usually only stick with unknown guys. The Warriors inspiration is a bit over-used at this point, but it works. I'm overall neutral to this one. C.

Also, Under Armour DEFINITELY did start this... they were the first to produce and popularize this type of athletic skin-tight clothing.

SalesGenie.com -- Cartoons

The Mouth:
Do I even have to say this is bad? Did anyone pay attention to it, or did we all just tune it out thinking it was another eSurance.com commercial (which, by the way my grandma loves). What a monumental waste of $3,000,000. Do you know how much late night airtime you could have pulled for that kind of scratch? And that's when people who actually do sales are watching TV, thinking oh shit, I'm not going to make my quota, how can I get more sales? During the Super Bowl, the last thing some schmo with a lousy sales job wants to think about is how he's underperforming. No offense to all my friends with lousy sales jobs. F.



And while we're at it, let's throw in some stupid pandas with offensive Asian accents. F. Although I will say, there's about to be a boon in panda-centric advertising. Once Kung Fu Panda drops, it's going to be a panda bonanza.

The Hawk:
I don't think these are that bad. They are simple ads that -- get this -- advertise the product! Upon second watch I agree about the offensive accents, used in both, but I also agree that I am a sucker for pandas. C.

Pepsi Max -- Falling Asleep

The Mouth:
I guess most people will probably like this commercial. It has some stars in it, a Saturday Night Live skit reference, a balding guy, some bobblehead dolls, some sheep, Japanese people and a song they recognize. But me, I don't care much for it. First, I hate that skit and A Night At The Roxbury. And this song is like a pop jackhammer on my ears and brain, causing them to hurt and bleed and cry. D.

The Hawk:
Yes... yes... yes again... I had the exact same thoughts and rating. The worst part for me is when LL Cool J cheeses for the camera and does the head dance. Awful. D.

Audi -- Godfather Remake -- HORRIBLE

What? Horrible. Stupid. A bad ad is one thing... a bad ad that is featured as the second ad shown during the Super Bowl, is a whole 'nother level of terrible. The fact that they fail horribly in re-making a scene from an all-time classic movie, Godfather, just makes it all the more awful. A car hood spilling oil in the bed? Huh? On the bright side, the car itself looks awesome, and good or bad, this gets the Audi R8 name out there. F.

The Mouth:

Well, if you look at the premise, that Audi is putting old luxury on notice, it actually isn't a bad spot. That's what the horse head in the bed was, notice. Granted, it's a little hokey and I don't know if it's Super Bowl worthy, but it gets your attention and it makes sense with the messaging. And that new Audi looks HOT. B-.

The Hawk:

This is worthy of a rebuttal. In the The Godfather, man who gets a horse head in this bed is the one being put on notice. So if this spot is analogous, that implies the old guy in the bed IS old luxury. But in actuality, he's just a man, and old luxury is actually chopped up and killed. It doesn't even make sense. This was butchered, pun intended, at every level.

More from Mouth:
You're getting very literal now, my PC-based friend. Sure, you're right that the man who gets the horse head was being put on notice. But don't you think other horses associated with that horse--his friends and family--were also put on notice? I mean, they cut off that horse's head. So technically, I think you could say that other similar horses were also put on notice, which would make the metaphor start to work. It could also be argued that the old man represents old luxury and the car, in this instance, takes the role of the horse--a beloved form of transportation.

Bud Light -- Super Bowl Ads

Bud Light came strong, or at least frequent, for the Super Bowl, and it was largely a trainwreck of advertising missteps, with only 2 above average grades.

The Mouth:

Going with quantity over quality was clearly the strategy here. Bud Light serves up a little of everything, so one of these is probably bound to be funny to most groups of people. For the most part, I thought this was a pretty weak effort this year.



Breathe Fire -- C+

This is an attempt at a lame joke that has nothing to do with the product. What in the hell does breathing fire have to do with drinking beer unless you're talking about the heartburn that comes after drinking nasty-ass Bud Light? Spots like these only work if they're funny, and this is not. At least they do a good job of branding, as far as mentioning and picturing the product up front.

The Mouth:

This concept has the potential to be really funny, as is displayed in the dog talking about sausages commercial. This one isn't that great, although I'm sure if they thought harder about it, they could have come up with a funnier situation for breathing fire. I'll agree with C+.



Wine and Cheese Party -- B

Now this one is clever and funny. Good job.

The Mouth:

Hard to argue with that. This one is dead on for the target audience. Man no like silly wine and cheese parties. B+.



Carlos Mencia -- Foreign accent -- F

One word: lazy. "Hey, let's show another of those Carlos Mencia spots." "Ehh, what the hell?" A) This campaign wasn't funny the first time around. B) I'm not sure how much star power Mencia actually has. C) The humor is lowbrow, if not offensive. Horrible.

The Mouth:

Yeah, this one is bad. I actually think I like the old one, where he's teaching the class to say "Give me a Bud Light." But this one is just plain lame. Although I will say, even though I don't ever watch his show or anything he does, Carlos Mencia seems to have some star power. D-, because I like the little fellow who says Buuude Light.



Cavemen -- D+

Why are those Geicko guys drinking Bud Light now? Umm... I think ya'll missed the memo: Cavemen are played out! Unoriginal and not funny.

The Mouth:

Oh, wait, I get it. They invent the wheel, then they use it to carry the beer instead of rolling it. Dumb, stupid and bad. I guess someone at Budweiser issued a mandate. "Those Geiko cavemen are popular, we need a caveman commercial in the Super Bowl this year. Cavemen are all the rage right now." No, they're not. F.



Flying man -- D-

See the above review of "Breathe fire". And honestly... he's alive in the terminal later on? We're not that dumb.

The Mouth:

I thought this was even worse than the fire breathing one. Is it even possible that they could have come up with something MORE predictable than having the guy get hit by a plane? I really don't think so. On Family Fued, if they showed the first half of this commercial and asked how it would end, there would only be one answer. 100 out of 100 people would guess "guy gets hit by plane." Ding ding ding ding. With the freedom that beer advertising gives creatives, whoever is responsible for this spot should be forced to write salesgenie.com spots for the rest of his natural born life. Double F.



Will Ferrell as Jackie Moon -- A

This cross-promotional ad for Ferrell's upcoming movie, Semi-Pro, is a winner. In character, Ferrell is his usual funny self, dropping Bud Light-related one-liners. Good.

The Mouth:

Just Will doing what Will does. "A magical blend of barley, hops and delicious alcohol." Delicious indeed. A.

Verizon, Hockey Fans Aren't Like Other Fans: A-

Hey baby! Baby! This made me laugh, then they dedicated ten seconds to hammering me with product information. For those ten seconds I was still feeling the euphoria brought on by the laughing, so I wasn't annoyed that they were trying to sell me something. The only thing wrong with this is the guy shouting isn't holding a beer. A real hockey fan would have a beer.

It's going to be hard for me not to shout at babies now. Pure comedy. And the younger the baby, the better. I might even shout at a pregnant woman's stomach. Or into a newly impregnanted vagina. A-.

The Hawk:
Definitely a well-targeted ad. Hockey fans will "get" this one, and if they are really diehard fans, it will draw their interest to Verizon's service. I dislike the Verizon glasses guy, though, so his appearance here is a detriment. He wasn't needed... although I guess he reinforces the branding. B.

Visa, Life Takes Visa: D

These ads, featuring a smoothly moving, expertly choreographed, singing dancing world--which is tragically interrupted by some dunce who dares to carry cash--fail. First, I couldn't remember which company it was for (Mastercard or Visa), so they need to brand it a little better. But more importantly, they're all based on a flawed premise. Cash slows you down? Sure, maybe occasionally you get an old lady counting coins at the market. But more often than that, you get some jackass with his credit card charging his Milky Way bar and Diet Coke. They run the card, print the reciept, get a signature, blah blah blah. Just give the guy a $5 bill and be on your way, jerk. My dad once said, "What kind of a man doesn't carry a little cash?" Some may call him old fashioned. Others call him The Truth.


Still others call him Ken Hitchcock, former coach of the Dallas Stars, Philadelphia Flyers and current coach of the Columbus Blue Jackets (in case you're like the rest of America and haven't heard of them for the last five years, yes, that is an actual NHL hockey team).

I guess they're talking about some sort of faster debit card here, but I'm still not buying it. Be a man. Carry cash. D.

The Hawk:
I agree 100%. To my knowledge, there is no debit card that does not require the user to at least enter your pin number. If it's a new card that does not require that, then they need to get that idea across. And do people care about the brand of credit card they have? I don't. I care about the interest rate, the credit limit, any awards program, etc; I've never understood the Visa vs. Mastercard ad battles. I do find the colors and intricate choreography used in this spot visually pleasing, so that is it's only saving grace. D it is.

Optimum Triple Play, Pirate Rap: F and A

Whoa. When I first saw this, I wrote down "Optimum Online Rap, FFFFFF." I was shocked and amazed and repulsed and maybe offended, all at the same time. But now it's approaching "so bad it's good" status. I'm starting to like the rap and the complete and absolute absurdity of the commercial. A band of cable loving pirates? Mermaids singing the phone number? And a special guest appearance by a rapping sea monster!? I hear they originally wanted Fat Joe to star in it, but he wouldn't agree to ride that inflatable banana (or ski rocket, whatever you call it).

One of the best parts of this YouTube video is that you can see who's responsible for this masterpiece. Globalworks. Let me guess, they specialize in marketing to minorities? You can also see the brilliant title of the spot: Reggaeton Beach English Rotoscoped Towels. Exactly what I would have called it. And I think this comment left by a user sums it up perfectly, "My 9 month old daughter LOVES this commercial...her world stops when it comes on..." As does mine.

The savings are for real, the triple play is the deal.

I have to give this an F and an A.

The Hawk:
This is pretty much genius. A Reggaeton beat with some catchy lyrics, along with hot mermaids singing a phone number commercial? This is better than a lot of radio. I'm pretty sure if I saw this a lot it would get beaten into my head. An ad that conveys information about the product! Success. B+.

Jawbone, Eliminates Noise

I saw this ad yesterday on Creativity's website. A campaign featuring short films promoting this Jawbone earpiece thing, which I had never heard of before. This one and the following rugby player (homophobic readers beware) one are the only two I could find on YouTube. But there's two more in the series, one of which features an amazingly offensive and annoying man yelling at his dry cleaner, that are pretty good. This, to me, is what advertising can be. A great story, told in a way that truly communicates the benefit of the product. The idea that Jawbone "elminates noise" is illustrated perfectly. And everyone can appreciate the slaughter of the annoyingly loud.

The title treatments at the end, where the top lines eliminate the bottom one, are almost as great as the ads themselves. I was so intrigued by these, that I actually went to the company's website to find out more about the technology. And although I loathe people who use these terrible Bluetooth, hands-free headsets, I was tempted to buy one. For about one second. Then I realized I'm not a douche.

While I find the use of gratuitous man-on-man making out to be a cheap, polarizing tactic (see Snicker's Super Bowl ad), I think you still get the point. This is by far the worst of the four, not because of the gayness, but because it features no violent elimination of the offending noise-makers:



The problem is, where will these run? In movie theaters seems to be the ideal location. The Jawbone website (where they have yet to appear) is also a good option. And even if they never get further than being a viral internet campaign, I still think the effort is a success. A.

The Hawk:
I have major problem with this product and the ads. This headset only fits in ONE EAR, correct? So how is the noise blocked out of my OTHER ear? Won't the environment potentially still greatly affect whether or not I can hear the conversation? After reading the website, I see that it does include technology that will allow the person on the other end of the call to hear me better, but that only solves half the problem.

The poolside ad hits home for me, because I find that situation particularly annoying. However, they did not need to have the group of guys carry on for so long. The point was well-proven without going so far over the top.

As for the rugby bar edition... huh? Men kissing causes a lot of noise? That makes absolutely no sense. I wasn't forced to review these, I would never have made it past the 20 or 30 second mark, so I would not have even known what the hell the product was. If I was forced to sit through these at a theatre, as my colleague suggested, I would feel murderous. F. Ad-exec masturbation, anyone?

Jitterbug, Cell Phone for Seniors

First, I'm amazed I could find this on YouTube. Who the hell would want to watch this of their own free will? I bet I've unconsciously seen this ad about 50 times, but until my roommate pointed it out during Law & Order last night, I've never been aware that I'm watching it. Something about the music, the graphics, the whole treatment, tells my brain, "you can think about something else now, this doesn't concern you." This revolutionary phone, designed especially for old folks, promises: "Bigger buttons, bigger numbers." And, "You don't need a 400-page manual to use it." How simple is Jitterbug? One version of the phone comes with only three options:


It would be hard for even the most technology-ignorant old person to be confused by that. I am a bit concerned though, as at the end it offers a free car phone charger with purchase. If you need a phone with only three options because you can't figure out a normal cell phone, you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. They're slightly more complicated and entirely more dangerous than a mobile phone.

A third version of the phone has an ASSIST button, which when pressed slowly administers lethal medication to the user, allowing them to peacefully slip away during conversation. If you happen to accidentally press the button, you're in luck, you can use your Jitterbug to call 911 or the operator for help. Or you can call home to say goodbye.

It's difficult to grade this, as I think it's probably doing it's job: turning off the brains of young consumers and singing its way into the hearts of our elderly. But because I've noticed it and I'll now be tortured by it during my many hours watching Law & Order, and because I think advertising takes advantages of the impressionable and feeble minds of our elders, F.

The Hawk:
I'm neither here nor there on this one. It's an informational ad the describes the product well and I do like that "Jitterbug" jingle in the background. All-in-all it just exists, so it gets a C. Average.

Jack Link's Beef Jerk -- Messin' With Sasquatch

A+. Pure genius! The campaign takes the "Messin' With Sasquatch" theme, and features outdoorsman/pranksters playing classic gags on Sasquatch. A great tag line and concept, with hilarious execution. I love these ads and laugh every time I see them. The only problem is that while I knew they were for beef jerky, I didn't necessarily know which brand, although I may have recognized the bag subconsciously since it is always prominently featured. Either way, I had never heard of Jack's Links before, and now I have, so that counts for something. They want all out, creating a website full of content, placing interactive ads on various websites that allowed you to mess with Sasquatch too, etc. It has become a true viral campaign, notching huge view counts on YouTube and people posting their own versions of the ads. Now, on to the show...



I think this one is my favorite. The guys get Sasquatch and just when they think they're safe... BOOM! You can't outrun Sasquatch! The hit at the end is awesome.

The Mouth: When this campaign first started, they didn't have Sasquatch getting the guys at the end; it left you feeling kind of sad. It's not fair teaming up on an unsuspecting Sasquatch like that. But once he started getting even, these went from average to great.



I had not seen this one before the review. Funny. I love how at the end, all Sasquatch wanted was a ride in the car and he leaves the driver unharmed.

The Mouth: I actually prefer the TV version, where Sasquatch never gets in the car. Once he gets in, he comes across as more beastly and intimidating, where before he was just lovable.



Ah, yes, the old "watch reflection in the eyes" trick. And who knew Sasquatch had such an accurate arm? Baseball? Football? The possibilities are endless.

The Mouth: This is the only reason I wear a watch.



I didn't like this one quite as much... but damn, there's Sasquatch showcasing that arm again!

The Mouth: Starting fires in the forest is not a joke. And watching some guy get hot, wet shit splattered on his face does not make me want to eat beef jerky.



This one is internet-only, probably due a man's arm getting ripped off. The part at the beginning with Sasquatch playing with a butterfly, really makes this one. He's just a kind, peace-loving fella... until you mess with him!

The Mouth: It's less fun when I agree with my associate, but he's pretty accurate here. Watching Sasquatch smash, throw and rip apart humans just makes you feel good. Does it make you eat or buy beef jerky? Not really. Road trips do that. A-.

Vitamin Water, Try It

After talking to a friend last night, I was all set to come in and rip the Vitamin Water campaign. I remember not really liking it when I saw it, then when we realized the tag line was "try it," I was prepared to shit all over it. But today I watched them again and thought about what Vitamin Water was trying to accomplish: breaking into a Gatorade dominated market with a new product. And while I don't love the 50-Cent orchestra ad and kind of despise the Urlacher badminton one, I had never seen this:



I'm not all that familiar with Kelly Clarkston and normally wouldn't care, but that host cracks me up. "A cobra! Super rock and roll!" I had also never seen this one:



And the idea of athletes and stars trying something new kind of ties in with you, the consumer, trying something new (Vitamin Water). So "Try It" is not quite as weak as my pint-fueled discussion had led me to believe. Still, drinking Vitamin Water doesn't cause you to try or be better at new things, as the spots tend to imply. They would work better if the athlete randomly decided to try the new sport and also to try Vitamin Water. So I guess a B? B-.

The Hawk:

I'm a Hip-Hop and basketball fan, and wouldn't you know it, I like the T-Mac and 50 ads. The first time I saw McGrady in a kilt I was thinking: "Huh?", but then I realized he has a Scottish last name! Ha. As for the 50 Cent orchestra, while "old white man says Hip-Hop slang" is a major joke-in-a-can, sometimes it can be a little funny. Mostly I like that beat performed by an orchestra. Bottom line, these two probably appealed to the desired demographic, so maybe Kelly Clarkson's spot did too. These spots are all original, grab your attention and get the point across. B. Here's the 50 Cent ad:

AT&T, BlackJack Valentine's Day Rap: F-

I'm not even sure that if I could find this commercial online I would post it. Because that would mean I'd have to watch it again. It's basically a guy rapping to camera about his girlfriend, presumably recording it and sending it to her via his cell phone for Valentine's Day. I literally have to change the channel when this comes on, for fear of being consumed by a rabid fury that results in me smashing my television with a pitching wedge. That's bad for the tv and for the wedge, both of which are very special to me.


Let me just say this: if you're thinking of getting your girlfriend a phone with video capabilities for Valentine's Day, good for you. Electronics are awesome. If you're thinking of using your phone to send her new phone a video of you, the whitest man in America, doing the worst rap known to man, please stop and think again.

The worst part is that somewhere along the way this received the approval of a whole team of "advertising professionals." Not only in concept form, but even after they saw the shockingly terrible finished product. Sometimes you need to self censor a bit; someone has to have the stones needed to step up and say you know what, we liked the idea, but you all see this, it sucks. We can't put this on tv. They seem to have forgotten rule number one of advertising: avoid ads that will make the consumer HATE your product. This has done that for me.

Furthermore, I went to the AT&T site to try and find whatever promotion this is (so I'd have some sort of image to accompany this post) and I couldn't find anything. No Valentine's Day promotion at all. So even if this commercial wasn't shotgun-eatingly bad, consumers can't follow up and actually take advantage of the promotion.

F-. The worst.


The Hawk:
Yo, Mouth, why you trippin', home skillet? This is that new hot fire on the streets, playa-toni, pepperoni! Hotter than paprika!

Yes, horrible. Although something deep inside me says there is still a segment of society out there that laughs and likes this. I'll even admit I think the paprika line is funny. D+.

UPS, Whiteboard Campaign

Not everyone likes this campaign. I think most of the dislike comes from not liking the guy who does the drawings. Sure, he's a little smarmy, kind of a douche and has a Richard Lewis haircut, but I don't mind him. Before, I didn't really notice him. I'm mesmerized by his drawings and the way he turns things into other things by adding and erasing lines. The campaign is incredibly recognizable, somewhat entertaining and delivers the UPS message in such a simple manner that even the idiot in charge of your mail room can understand it.

Moreover, it has sparked an avalanche of video spoofs on YouTube. Among them, there are videos covering such subjects as mail order brides, getting rid of the body, monkey sex, and two girls one cup. If imitation in the highest form of flattery, what is parody?

It's almost enough to make me stop thinking of a log of shit when I hear "what can brown do for you?" B+.

The Hawk: Ruuuuuuuuuuuun! Hide the women and children! LITERALLY. You know why this guy thinks sending a bigger shipment is great? Because he can fit more children in the truck to molest. This guy gives me the creeps. And they include the actual squeaking sounds of the marker? A lot of people HATE that sound -- never a positive in advertising. I guess the "viralness" of it all does have some merit, so I can't flunk it. D+.

Chevy Malibu, Car You Can't Ignore: D

Chevy was brave to admit that they'd been making a completely irrelevant car for the last ten years. You can almost guarantee that every Malibu you see on the road is a rental, because no one would ever buy such a bland car, especially when you give it a fruity name like "Malibu." So kudos for taking your car's ignorability head on. That saves this from the F I would normally give anything associated with the Malibu. The very least you could do is give it a better name. That should have been your first step. What, were you scared you'd lose your loyal Malibu fan base? I assure you, those five people won't hurt your sales.



In this, they claim that "The Chevy brand is on the ascendancy, with Malibu to lead the renaissance." Who claims that? Wards AutoWorld, which I have never heard of. If Chevy has indeed chosen the Malibu as their beacon of change, it's a terrible blunder. Even though the look of the car seems much improved, it's still the MALIBU. No one wants to buy a car called the Malibu. Might as well call it the Chevy Pink Pony. Or the Chevy Tulip Tickle. I'm pretty sure I can ignore this car.

The Hawk:
Really? Cops running past a car into a bank heist? REALLY? That's just stupid. The second spot is just your typical, run-of-the-mill, car commercial that you CAN ignore. Boring. They would get a C, but the stupidity of the bank heist ad pushes them down to D.