Verizon, Hockey Fans Aren't Like Other Fans: A-

Hey baby! Baby! This made me laugh, then they dedicated ten seconds to hammering me with product information. For those ten seconds I was still feeling the euphoria brought on by the laughing, so I wasn't annoyed that they were trying to sell me something. The only thing wrong with this is the guy shouting isn't holding a beer. A real hockey fan would have a beer.

It's going to be hard for me not to shout at babies now. Pure comedy. And the younger the baby, the better. I might even shout at a pregnant woman's stomach. Or into a newly impregnanted vagina. A-.

The Hawk:
Definitely a well-targeted ad. Hockey fans will "get" this one, and if they are really diehard fans, it will draw their interest to Verizon's service. I dislike the Verizon glasses guy, though, so his appearance here is a detriment. He wasn't needed... although I guess he reinforces the branding. B.

Jawbone, Eliminates Noise

I saw this ad yesterday on Creativity's website. A campaign featuring short films promoting this Jawbone earpiece thing, which I had never heard of before. This one and the following rugby player (homophobic readers beware) one are the only two I could find on YouTube. But there's two more in the series, one of which features an amazingly offensive and annoying man yelling at his dry cleaner, that are pretty good. This, to me, is what advertising can be. A great story, told in a way that truly communicates the benefit of the product. The idea that Jawbone "elminates noise" is illustrated perfectly. And everyone can appreciate the slaughter of the annoyingly loud.

The title treatments at the end, where the top lines eliminate the bottom one, are almost as great as the ads themselves. I was so intrigued by these, that I actually went to the company's website to find out more about the technology. And although I loathe people who use these terrible Bluetooth, hands-free headsets, I was tempted to buy one. For about one second. Then I realized I'm not a douche.

While I find the use of gratuitous man-on-man making out to be a cheap, polarizing tactic (see Snicker's Super Bowl ad), I think you still get the point. This is by far the worst of the four, not because of the gayness, but because it features no violent elimination of the offending noise-makers:



The problem is, where will these run? In movie theaters seems to be the ideal location. The Jawbone website (where they have yet to appear) is also a good option. And even if they never get further than being a viral internet campaign, I still think the effort is a success. A.

The Hawk:
I have major problem with this product and the ads. This headset only fits in ONE EAR, correct? So how is the noise blocked out of my OTHER ear? Won't the environment potentially still greatly affect whether or not I can hear the conversation? After reading the website, I see that it does include technology that will allow the person on the other end of the call to hear me better, but that only solves half the problem.

The poolside ad hits home for me, because I find that situation particularly annoying. However, they did not need to have the group of guys carry on for so long. The point was well-proven without going so far over the top.

As for the rugby bar edition... huh? Men kissing causes a lot of noise? That makes absolutely no sense. I wasn't forced to review these, I would never have made it past the 20 or 30 second mark, so I would not have even known what the hell the product was. If I was forced to sit through these at a theatre, as my colleague suggested, I would feel murderous. F. Ad-exec masturbation, anyone?

Jitterbug, Cell Phone for Seniors

First, I'm amazed I could find this on YouTube. Who the hell would want to watch this of their own free will? I bet I've unconsciously seen this ad about 50 times, but until my roommate pointed it out during Law & Order last night, I've never been aware that I'm watching it. Something about the music, the graphics, the whole treatment, tells my brain, "you can think about something else now, this doesn't concern you." This revolutionary phone, designed especially for old folks, promises: "Bigger buttons, bigger numbers." And, "You don't need a 400-page manual to use it." How simple is Jitterbug? One version of the phone comes with only three options:


It would be hard for even the most technology-ignorant old person to be confused by that. I am a bit concerned though, as at the end it offers a free car phone charger with purchase. If you need a phone with only three options because you can't figure out a normal cell phone, you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. They're slightly more complicated and entirely more dangerous than a mobile phone.

A third version of the phone has an ASSIST button, which when pressed slowly administers lethal medication to the user, allowing them to peacefully slip away during conversation. If you happen to accidentally press the button, you're in luck, you can use your Jitterbug to call 911 or the operator for help. Or you can call home to say goodbye.

It's difficult to grade this, as I think it's probably doing it's job: turning off the brains of young consumers and singing its way into the hearts of our elderly. But because I've noticed it and I'll now be tortured by it during my many hours watching Law & Order, and because I think advertising takes advantages of the impressionable and feeble minds of our elders, F.

The Hawk:
I'm neither here nor there on this one. It's an informational ad the describes the product well and I do like that "Jitterbug" jingle in the background. All-in-all it just exists, so it gets a C. Average.

AT&T, BlackJack Valentine's Day Rap: F-

I'm not even sure that if I could find this commercial online I would post it. Because that would mean I'd have to watch it again. It's basically a guy rapping to camera about his girlfriend, presumably recording it and sending it to her via his cell phone for Valentine's Day. I literally have to change the channel when this comes on, for fear of being consumed by a rabid fury that results in me smashing my television with a pitching wedge. That's bad for the tv and for the wedge, both of which are very special to me.


Let me just say this: if you're thinking of getting your girlfriend a phone with video capabilities for Valentine's Day, good for you. Electronics are awesome. If you're thinking of using your phone to send her new phone a video of you, the whitest man in America, doing the worst rap known to man, please stop and think again.

The worst part is that somewhere along the way this received the approval of a whole team of "advertising professionals." Not only in concept form, but even after they saw the shockingly terrible finished product. Sometimes you need to self censor a bit; someone has to have the stones needed to step up and say you know what, we liked the idea, but you all see this, it sucks. We can't put this on tv. They seem to have forgotten rule number one of advertising: avoid ads that will make the consumer HATE your product. This has done that for me.

Furthermore, I went to the AT&T site to try and find whatever promotion this is (so I'd have some sort of image to accompany this post) and I couldn't find anything. No Valentine's Day promotion at all. So even if this commercial wasn't shotgun-eatingly bad, consumers can't follow up and actually take advantage of the promotion.

F-. The worst.


The Hawk:
Yo, Mouth, why you trippin', home skillet? This is that new hot fire on the streets, playa-toni, pepperoni! Hotter than paprika!

Yes, horrible. Although something deep inside me says there is still a segment of society out there that laughs and likes this. I'll even admit I think the paprika line is funny. D+.