Amp Energy Drink -- Nipples Re-charge Car Battery

The Mouth:
Ugh. Anything involving nipple clamping or belly buttons makes me want to puke. Not a good feeling to evoke when you're trying to sell a drink. And all from such a horrifically overused formula. Person can't do something. Person uses product. Miraculously person can now do something. We assume product is responsible.

This was mildly amusing, at best. The only redeeming factor is that it brought me back to the sixth grade roller-rink with Push It. Yo baby pops, yeah you, come here give me a kiss, better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed, can't you hear the music pumpin' hard like I wish you would? Now push it. Push it real good. That's from memory. D.

The Hawk:
Ugh is right. So now we've had a fat guy clamping his nipples, a horribly disgusting women and a dog's slobber all used to sell food or drink products? Doesn't it always feel better when you alone are not the stupid one? Somebody organize a happy hour for the various people behind these mistakes. F.

Moment Of Truth -- Chad Johnson

The Mouth:
I like Chad Johnson. I secretly like The Moment of Truth. I don't like this commercial. They took what was a very promising situation and delivered a very vanilla result. How was that the show that couldn't be more truthful? D.

The Hawk:
Agreed. Much like the Shaq Vitamin Water spot, they failed to utilize the potential of their star. I've seen this show too, and I think this fails to accentuate the draw of the show. This is the ad for some sort of comedy show, not Moment Of Truth. I think just showing actual clips of the show, with the participants' expressions, is the best way to draw new viewers. This spot only serves as a comedic take to people who are already watching.

Taco Bell -- Mariachi band

The Mouth:
I mean, what can you really expect from Taco Bell? Can you remember a good Taco Bell ad, ever? And no, that stupid little dog doesn't count. Nothing about this seemed like a Super Bowl ad, except for the fact that it was on during the Super Bowl. In its favor, it's undeniably a Taco Bell ad. D.

The Hawk:
Sorry, I can't sugarcoat this. Plain and simple, this is some racist bullshit. At least you know it's Taco Bell, I guess. F.

Planters Cashews -- Ugly Woman

The Mouth:
I thought this was cheap. Maybe I have a soft spot in my heart for ugly girls, but something about this didn't strike me as funny. Someone out there really looks like that. And I guarantee rubbing some nuts on their neck won't make them more attractive. Also, you know what doesn't make me want to eat nuts? Watching a horrific troll rub them all over herself. Yuck. D.

The Hawk:
Great execution... of a horrible idea! "Hey, I know, let's make everyone want to puke when they think of our food product!". Genius! This might have been the worst ad of the night. And does the brand of nuts even matter? Aren't nuts just nuts? F-.

Pepsi Max -- Falling Asleep

The Mouth:
I guess most people will probably like this commercial. It has some stars in it, a Saturday Night Live skit reference, a balding guy, some bobblehead dolls, some sheep, Japanese people and a song they recognize. But me, I don't care much for it. First, I hate that skit and A Night At The Roxbury. And this song is like a pop jackhammer on my ears and brain, causing them to hurt and bleed and cry. D.

The Hawk:
Yes... yes... yes again... I had the exact same thoughts and rating. The worst part for me is when LL Cool J cheeses for the camera and does the head dance. Awful. D.

Visa, Life Takes Visa: D

These ads, featuring a smoothly moving, expertly choreographed, singing dancing world--which is tragically interrupted by some dunce who dares to carry cash--fail. First, I couldn't remember which company it was for (Mastercard or Visa), so they need to brand it a little better. But more importantly, they're all based on a flawed premise. Cash slows you down? Sure, maybe occasionally you get an old lady counting coins at the market. But more often than that, you get some jackass with his credit card charging his Milky Way bar and Diet Coke. They run the card, print the reciept, get a signature, blah blah blah. Just give the guy a $5 bill and be on your way, jerk. My dad once said, "What kind of a man doesn't carry a little cash?" Some may call him old fashioned. Others call him The Truth.


Still others call him Ken Hitchcock, former coach of the Dallas Stars, Philadelphia Flyers and current coach of the Columbus Blue Jackets (in case you're like the rest of America and haven't heard of them for the last five years, yes, that is an actual NHL hockey team).

I guess they're talking about some sort of faster debit card here, but I'm still not buying it. Be a man. Carry cash. D.

The Hawk:
I agree 100%. To my knowledge, there is no debit card that does not require the user to at least enter your pin number. If it's a new card that does not require that, then they need to get that idea across. And do people care about the brand of credit card they have? I don't. I care about the interest rate, the credit limit, any awards program, etc; I've never understood the Visa vs. Mastercard ad battles. I do find the colors and intricate choreography used in this spot visually pleasing, so that is it's only saving grace. D it is.

Chevy Malibu, Car You Can't Ignore: D

Chevy was brave to admit that they'd been making a completely irrelevant car for the last ten years. You can almost guarantee that every Malibu you see on the road is a rental, because no one would ever buy such a bland car, especially when you give it a fruity name like "Malibu." So kudos for taking your car's ignorability head on. That saves this from the F I would normally give anything associated with the Malibu. The very least you could do is give it a better name. That should have been your first step. What, were you scared you'd lose your loyal Malibu fan base? I assure you, those five people won't hurt your sales.



In this, they claim that "The Chevy brand is on the ascendancy, with Malibu to lead the renaissance." Who claims that? Wards AutoWorld, which I have never heard of. If Chevy has indeed chosen the Malibu as their beacon of change, it's a terrible blunder. Even though the look of the car seems much improved, it's still the MALIBU. No one wants to buy a car called the Malibu. Might as well call it the Chevy Pink Pony. Or the Chevy Tulip Tickle. I'm pretty sure I can ignore this car.

The Hawk:
Really? Cops running past a car into a bank heist? REALLY? That's just stupid. The second spot is just your typical, run-of-the-mill, car commercial that you CAN ignore. Boring. They would get a C, but the stupidity of the bank heist ad pushes them down to D.

Boost Mobile, Anthem 2.0

Sorry, this one just isn't for me. First, what's the point of it? That these guys use Boost Mobile? That's they're successful and therefore are authorities on cool phones? Granted, I'm probably not the target audience, but I like hip-hop. And who is that third person? A man or a woman? What? I don't really like any of the people in this or the song. I officially hate "now I'm at the tippy." D.

The Hawk:
The Mouth needs to recognize and realize on this one. Jermaine Dupri and Young Jeezy are southern Hip-Hop institutions. This ad plays just like a music video, and honestly the beat and lyrics are good enough to rock it as a song, until... whatever that thing at the end is, happens. Mickey Avalon, I guess? Horrid. Cringe-worthy. Ruins the whole commercial. It's a classic case of ad guys not knowing shit about Hip-Hop. The culture has so many applications to advertising, but rarely is it utilized well. From A to D, just like that. Our paths are vastly different, but I to arrive at D for this one.


I guess it was supposed to be the follow up to this one, but with slick effects and supers trying to fill the void between star and song quality:



This I liked, although I wouldn't have been able to tell you which company it was for. They went from Kanye, Luda and Game to Dupri, Jeezy and Avalon? Talk about a drop in quality. At least this one showed the functionality, dudes talking coast to coast in real time, rhyming over a Kanye beat. And the song is actually good. And is that B Davis making an appearance in the background?! Or is it Black Thought...I'm not sure which is better, a commercial I don't like, but remember the company, or a commercial I do like but can't remember who it was for. A-.

The Hawk:
Just to reiterate: Avalon=drop in quality, Dupri and Jeezy do not. Jermaine Dupri is one of the most successful, versatile music men of all-time. With that out of the way... I love this one too. Great song, great stars, fits the Boost brand to a tee... and somehow, maybe subconsciously, I always realized whom this ad was repping. A+.

Update: After re-watching, I realized it was the incessant Boost chirp used throughout the ad that tipped me off to the brand. Nice placement.

#4 Creativity's Most Viewed--VW, Safety Dance: D

Compared to other VW ads, this just plain sucks. I don't really like the song, it doesn't make me think the car is that safe, and blah. Blah blah blah. You can see it on germancarblog.com, the only people who liked it enough to put it up. At this point, I'm really losing faith in the people at Creativity. This is your #4? Seriously? Awful.

And I know somewhere (I actually know exactly where) there's a creative director saying, "I had the idea to use that song in a spot years ago." But I won't give away his idea. Let's just say it wasn't much better or much worse than this.

Hanes, Michael and Cuba: D

Really? This is supposed to make me want Hanes? There are two major things wrong with this commercial. First, why would Michael Jordan send anyone a basket of boxers? If I was Jordan and I read this script, I would immediately fire my agent for even bringing it to the table. He doesn't need that money, he's Jordan. Which leads me to my next, more important point: you're Hanes, you have Michael Jordan endorsing your product and THIS is the best you can do? With perhaps the world's most famous, powerful athlete? With the man every man would give his left nut to be or have been? Shame on you Hanes, shame on you.

Sony Bravia, Peyton: D

It's not on youtube, since it sucks. And you might not even know which one I'm talking about, since it's just one commercial awash in a sea of Peyton Manning commercials. To sum it up, Peyton walks to all of the places where Sony HD technology is used, from the game to your house and the dialogue is basically "they film the game in HD, they edit the game in HD...etc...why wouldn't you watch the game in HD?"


It makes you ask yourself, can Peyton Manning set the record for most commercials in one year? In reality, you'd think advertisers would notice that the market is oversaturated with Manning spots. The only thing you remember after watching one of those now is that you've just seen about your millionth Peyton Manning ad. At first he was charming and kind of funny, now he's getting to be greedy and annoying.

So now, if you're going to use Peyton, you need to really come with something strong; something that sets your Peyton ad apart from the other Peyton ads. Like having him dressed as a school girl, eating a lolli, riding in a hot air balloon. This ad doesn't do that. I'm sure on paper it was good and the logic is there. All these people use Sony, you should watch their programs on Sony Bravia HDTV. The problem is, the ad is boring. In fact, the only reason I even noticed it was because I thought, "another Peyton Manning ad? Please shoot me. No, not me, him."

The only memorable part of this commercial is when Peyton walks into the living room, where those guys are watching television; when he first appears, he seems to be about ten feet tall, like they built the set too small so he would appear giant. Then when he reaches the couch, he's a normal size again. Did someone not scout that set? Was that brief bit of footage borrowed from another commercial in which Petyon Manning was cast as a giant? I bet that commercial would have been good.

For the record, I own a Sony Bravia television and they've done some awesome ads (ratings to come).

Dwyane Wade Converse: D

This commercial is supposed to be soooooooooo introspective and make you think, "Man, that shit is deep, son!".

But it makes me feel like I'm watching something I should not be privy to. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe what D-Wade does behind closed doors in an NBA arena should remain between himself and the 20,000+ seats.

Also, this is a good ad for... Dwyane Wade. But what product is this for, again? Is it for an indie flick? A documentary? D-Wade's audition for Michael Buffer's job?

Coors Original, Changing: D

It seems Chevy has inspired other advertisers with their "this is our country" mantra. The newest addition to the annoying repetitive, underhandedly racist song and dance troop: Coors Original. In their latest commercial, they have the whitest, ruggedest, "most American" men doing American things while this song plays:

"Changing, yeah, everything's changing.
But I'm through with all this changing.
I like the way I'm living.
And I got my reasons why,
I'm not going to go changing.
I'm not gonna go changing."


If you keep score in the commercial, this is what we're looking at:

White men with five o'clock shadows: 8
Dogs: 2
Asians: 0
Latinos: 0
Black people: 0

Most of me thinks this effort deserves an F. But Coors Original knows its audience and they shoot right for it. I guess you have to respect their straight-forwardness. The point of advertising, after all, is to sell more product, not make friends with all races. In addition, that terrible song somehow burns itself into my brain. I might not go changing either.

Stay tuned for the "this is our country" spectacular.